"He's already there...."

My favorite Casting Crowns song this year.  In every situation we have encountered this year, I come back to the fact that this is a story that God is writing and he already knows the end. He's already there. I have to hang my hat on that at the end of the day or lose myself to despair because frankly, life isn't fair, it's a mystery on most days. The littles' mom got an extension of two months because a one day psych assessment said she should get 3-6 months to take some classes and well 4 (which was agreed upon by both parties at the last court date) is not 6 so lets give her 2 more? Truly it was that confusing and quick.  Less than 15 minutes.   I need to talk to the caseworker before I talk about the proceedings because they were so unexplainable that I want to know a few more facts, maybe we didn't get them all. I'm pretty sure the judge did not get them all.....the facts, that is.   So we have a visit from her on Thursday and then I'll try to fill you in better once I've processed it all and taken some more deep breathing moments with the Lord.

If I've been told once, I've been told 6,742 times that God doesn't give us more than we can handle.  I so disagree.  It's not really biblical at all.  The bible says he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. Nothing about trials and circumstances here, just temptation.  Was I tempted to punch a lawyer today, yes, but I was not tempted beyond what I could bear.....I resisted. He was with me and made a way for an escape which was a great calm husband who just let me vent and get it out in the court parking lot. I think God is all about allowing MORE than we can handle because then it becomes all about Him and very little about us. He gets the glory, not me. He gets to shine now, not me.  To say that we are handling all the trials thrown at us right now is laughable to us.  The days where I cry out to God in anger, fall to the bed in despair, or sit on the couch in absolute weariness far far outweigh the days that I get up rejoicing that this is the day that the Lord has made and singing church worship songs. I simply do not want this life but I love the life God has given me.  It's a bi-polar existence.  It's hard and I don't like hard. It's all about the relationship He and I have been building, the years invested in finding out who GOD is, the years studying His book to us that tells us everything we need to know to get thru these trials.  We learn of his character, we learn of his promises to us in these times, we learn about his perfect plan and his unique plan just for us.  I have his spirit inside of me that reminds me of verses, songs/hymns, and He comforts me. We also have the fellowship of believers that come beside us in support in those darkest of days.  THAT is how you get thru trials.  It's not pretty and it's most certainly a choice.  I could choose to wallow in my frustration, I could choose to be mad, I could choose to feel that life is unfair.  But I choose to believe, I choose to trust, and I choose to get up the next day believing that God is in control and He has a plan.  I can't "handle" anything, I'm a mess but God can and He does.  He is faithful and He is everything that His word says he is. He is good, sovereign, kind and merciful, full of grace, compassionate, healer, judge, father, and he brings beauty from lots of ashes in this life. He is most of all redeemer of me and my mess.  As I told a friend recently, He loves to bless messes. I'm no better than anybody else, we all are a mess and we live in a big messed up world....but He redeems and restores. That is truth. That is Hope.

So what else...... it's really been a crazy few months. Radiation continues, 6 treatments left.  Side effects have been minimal to moderate on some days so far. Fatigue and sunburned type skin are my biggest complaints at this point and the grueling everyday addition of that time to our schedule. 

Nick has had another challenging month and finally hit a wall at school (Spanish immersion) and with our therapists, principal, and Nick, we made the decision to re-school him to our neighborhood school.  He did not need any additional anxiety and speaking/reading Spanish caused him anxiety.  The transition took place within two days about a week ago.  It was stressful yet felt good to be doing something to show Nick that we really do "hear" him and love him.  He has transitioned well and likes his new school. We are thankful.

The littles are changing and growing like crazy.  We nearly have two full time walkers but Abe feels faster at the crawl still. :) Their verbal skills are emerging more and more every day.  They love to play together and make each other laugh.  We have to accommodate mom with therapies outside our home so we see her on average 4 times a week.  It weighs on me... especially on days like today where it is so obvious that parenting skills don't come naturally to her and after 15 months, they aren't just going to appear but yet they continue to drag out the proceedings. oh and Girly broke her arm on the playground on one of those bounce/spring things because our life wasn't quite exciting enough this month.

That's the long and the short of it all, mom got an extension (Dec 2 will be new court date), Nick changed schools, s broke her arm, radiation continues....God loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. That is all.