One week has come and gone....

I can't believe it's been a week.  My aching back can believe it but my mind still hasn't completely wrapped around the fact that we have two littles living with us.  Everyone keeps asking how we are doing.....and really besides the chaotic house, last minute meal planning, and extra laundry, we are good after a week.  The transition has been smooth, the littles are sleeping well after their illnesses, trying new food adventures and really bring alot of smiles and fun to the house.  Nick loves them and tells people about them wherever he goes.  For several nights, he has been thanking God in his prayers for "making our dreams come true".  He continues to be so sweet with them and helps out so much and does it without complaining.  Amazing.  The jealousy seems to have already gotten a little better.  We found his old baby blanket from Kaz and he sleeps with it again and we try to incorporate some of the same things for him as we do for the littles (i.e.  lotion on after bath....side note: he hated this when he was younger....but now he wants it....funny!). 

The dietitian from first steps comes tomorrow.  I'm anxious to discuss their eating challenges and have her refresh my peds nutrition knowledge.  I pulled out some of my old books but can't seem to find the time to look thru them.  ;)  I'll just humble myself and let her tell me. ha! 

We had our first supervised visit with the birthmom (bmom) today.  Overall, it was weird but fine. The caseworker was late so I had to stay with her and the kids.  She was amazed that I had a bow in Sarah's hair....well, of course, we've been practicing all week! Abe is starting to hold himself up a bit finally and she noticed that as well.  Most of the time, we will just drop them off with the Caseworker and bmom so today was a little unusual. 

We have gotten out several times with all of them and they are good car riders so far.  Going to visit some friends this weekend in Lville and retrieve a double stroller generously offered by one of my Kazmoms.  My parents will be arriving in less than 2 weeks.  It will be great to have them here for a little organizational help and of course some mom meals....and perhaps a pizza from St. Louis as they pass thru the area.

Once we have all the therapist visits, I'll try to post a little more about what their delays and therapy looks like.....as far as we can tell, they really just need interaction, challenges, and as Karyn Purvis would say, A voice.  They have definitely found their voices and crack us up "talking" to each other.  Priceless.  Just like Nick who found his voice and NEVER lost it the day after we took him out of the babyhouse, the littles seem to be trying new sounds and even babywords each day.  funtimes!

So, I'll leave you with a few non-identifying pics.....I so wish I could show their photos...they are so stinkin cute. 


And, we have the picture that I imagined in my head....Nick is right, God really did make our dreams come true! :)  now, cue, the collective AWWWWWWW!

Sarah is a girl after my own heart.....look who controls the remote....you go girl!

I'll have to try a hands and fingers shot next.....but that will have to wait another day.  Thanks again for the prayers, well wishes and support.  It means everything to us!

Hold on....it's going to be a bumpy ride!

It's late but I thought I would record a few things from the first days so that the littles and Nick can look back on these notes and see how far they have come AND because we need to keep a lifebook for A and S so might as well record stuff here first.

The meet and greet/Dr's appt/transition of care-- AWKWARD! two pairs of foster parents, birthmom, and caseworker plus the littles. Who does what, Who signs the papers, who holds the baby for shots, who talks to the birthmom, who talks to the caseworker, doctors, nurses....on and on. I swear had I not heard english, I would have felt like we were in Kaz again except for the birthmom being there.  All these people and questions, and procedures, and deer in the headlight looks.....did I mention AWKWARD!  We brought the kids home and the other foster family brought all their stuff over for us.  Clothes, food, belongings from their home, and lots of paperwork to fill in as appropriate over the next however long.  I really liked the previous foster parents.  They were older and just not ready to take on two babies for a longer duration.  They already have a 12 month old that they have had in care since she was born.  A and S seemed to recognize us and didn't seem too distressed to be left in our care.

The littles are relatively easy to care for in the general baby kind of way.  The fevers have been a big challenge all weekend.  A was spiking more yesterday and I ended up calling the nurse hot line because not only were they passing around a viral thing but A had 4 shots and S had one.  Yes, they were just having a really hard day on thurs. I wanted to make sure that I didn't need to report the fevers based on shot side effects vs. viral illness.  They both go to bed so easily.  Nick not so much. ;)

Nick overall has done well.  He wouldn't say it.....he is a bit dramatic about his role in the family right now but he has been good with the babies. Mom and Dad, again, not so much.  If I have heard "you love them more than me" once, I've heard it 10 million times and no, I am not exaggerating. One of his biggest struggles coming into this new change has been self esteem/self worth feelings.  Had I not had many close friends add siblings to their unit in the last few years with much strife and stress and then come to a better place after time, I sure would be stressed.  But, I know this will take time and Xanax perhaps. He is a bit of a drama King and some of his better lines were "I still have needs too you know" or " mom be serious, I'm having a crisis."  Today, he opened up his large play hut and moved all of his stuff from his room (thank you very much ....as if our house wasn't completely chaotic right now) down to the tent because the "kids that are loved live upstairs".  I cannot make these things up, he really is meant to be in the theater.  But, in the midst of it all, I still got his feelings, I knew he was struggling.  We have tried to continue to let him give voice but for Nick giving voice is a second by second thing. He never stops talking.  He knows how to express his feelings, he just doesn't know how to express them in a constructive manner. That is what we will work on at the counselor's office, soon. really soon.

Little S is a perfect study on neglect and it's effect on, well, everything.  She is a frightened little birdie.  I cannot really describe her looks of fear when she wakes up all disconcerted about where she is and the way she won't look me in the eye.  She wants to face out when you hold her. She shrieks when you try to put her in your lap facing your face. Any sudden noises, touches, change in position scare her. And, don't get me started on the eating.  She has so many texture issues, swallowing delays, and a little picky to boot. After 4 days, I can say that we have already seen improvement in all these areas.  She is getting better each day with my Karyn Purvis " let me see those beautiful eyes"  talk and she will face me now for a few minutes of patty cake or itsy bitsy spider.  My favorite thing to see is her jabbering.  She didn't utter a sound at first but tonight she was cracking herself up in bed.  I could hear her in Nick's bedroom while he was yelling at me so she was laughing pretty loudly. She can parrot a few words that resemble something you can understand.  I am like freaky dietitian chemist in the kitchen. I keep making all these crazy recipes up for her meals that will give her ultimate calories and protein without tons of sugar.  She prefers things blended although she ate a few bites of pizza tonight.  Her breakfast is malt-o-meal/powdered non-fat milk for protein and whole milk for calories all blended together and a tad of honey. Lunch was roasted chicken, cous-cous, and whole milk blended.  She totally eats it.  She does not have front teeth... pulled due to decay ..so I have no problem mixing up her table foods with pureed foods. It looks gross but whatever it takes to get food in her.  And, I feed her for good eye contact. I especially notice her trying to not look at me during this time.  I am teaching her sign language for more and she more or less has it down already.  I cannot wait to get her weighed in a few months at her 2 year old check up.

A loves his bottle but with his illness has had a bit of a decreased appetite.  He eats mostly early baby foods and although we were told he ate alot, he does not for us.  He holds his mouth shut.....while smiling.  So stinkin cute. Today, we tried some toddler puffs and he actually did very well with them although he nearly choked on a piece of baked potato...go figure.  I need to consult my speech therapy friends on this one.  I remember certain foods do better for certain swallow problems.  I think they both were just on liquids only so they just have delayed swallow strength. yes, that is my own diagnosis. probably not even legit but we will keep trying different textures out....trying not to get him all choked up. ha!  He really is the most pleasant baby.  He cries out in the night which of course causes us to have a heart attack but we are getting used to it and know that he will settle right back down without really any intervention necessary except for my heart to return to normal beats! oy!

Their mobility is so delayed.  A cannot sit up on his own-very low tone- and S was barely crawling.  We have seen improvement in both already.  They just need lots of encouragement and I'm a bit of a drill sergeant too. :)   If I didn't know they were from here, I would swear they had been in an orphanage. So many of the same delays as I have seen with our friends who brought home infants/toddlers of similar ages. But, just the same as the institutionalized kids, we are seeing them advance rapidly with just constant attention and intervention.....and then there is that whole showering them with love thing. :)

How are WE doing? I think we got the team thing worked out.  I have the best mate in the world. He lets me boss him about the baby world as long as I say please and we just work well together.  I enjoy the babies I have to say.  Just like watching each progression with Nick, it is a gift to watch it with them. It's only been 4 days but when you've gone thru it before, you notice more things and then you notice more progress.  I nannied twins.  I did the night shift for several months and two babies at once doesn't really throw me for a loop.  Balancing two babies and a dramatic 8 year old, a little more difficult.  Everything and I do mean everything we do for the babies gets assessed and compared to what we do for the 8 year old.  Not a bit of rational thought is involved.  It gets really old really fast. I would say THAT has been the biggest challenge of the 4 days, that, and the fevers and not knowing how the babies react to illness, teething, pain, etc.  We don't know their cries, their comfort measures, etc.  I can do babies but this whole balancing act is hard.  We expected it but it doesn't make it any less exhausting to go thru at the time. The aged body is adjusting too slow. my knees hurt, my baby carrying muscles hurt, my back hurts. Nothing a little advil can't help along til some conditioning sets in.  It takes longer in  your mid 40's apparently. That said, I think we are doing pretty well considering I cannot stand the chaos that has hit my house.  We were preparing for a consignment sale when this all hit so there was those clothes in progress for sale, not to mention that the contents (aka known as storage room/guest room for 15 years) of the room the babies are in had to be moved downstairs, the downstairs room stuff moved in the garage and all the baby items/clothes that came with the littles in the hall or in their half prepared room.  I just want to sit and go thru everything, organize, place in an efficient place.. but not sure when that is going to happen.  I'm not a hilary housekeeper anyway so this is putting me over the edge for even my very high tolerance of clutter chaos.  Fortunately, in my quest to live daily with the Lord, the fact that I have no idea where our mail (bills) is on the counter, I have no idea how I am going to help Nick with homework in his state of mind, I have no idea how I am going to go thru all the RFP's we are getting for Kazapalooza and put them in an excel spreadsheet and I have no idea when there might be time for exercise, eating and/or sleeping but I can worry about those things tomorrow because TODAY or rather tonight I have a slightly distressed 9 month old sleeping in the pac-n-play next to me while I sit on the couch because he for some reason keeps waking up every single time I lay him in his actual bed.....his new bed...which probably feels different, smells different, sounds different.....do all pac n plays smell the same....who knows.  bless his sweet little snoring heart. Part of me wants to try and take him up there one.more.time or I can just sit here and blog and surf the net.  hmmmmm.  

Thanks so much for all the prayers, support and encouragement.  It is quite the journey but God is doing it with us. While long stretches of time in the word are at a minimum right this minute, I do daily call out to him, play some worship music, and dwell on his goodness.  He is sustaining and restorative in his care for me.

Twas the night before forever?

I remember laying awake in our upscale (well, Zhekazgan swank) hotel room that we rented the night before we got custody of Nick.  We wanted a good night's rest (very smart of us) before we entered the great unknown of parenthood so we rented a room at the best hotel and slept very well in a king size bed for the night.....our only good night's rest the whole 10 weeks....except for the nerves it was perfect sleep.....and then the last 5 years happened. Had we known what was ahead, we probably would not have slept so well.  God is good that way.

Now, we stand at the starting line of another forever, but it might not be forever, it might just be for now.  The not knowing about "forever" has been on my mind alot this week.  Our weekend overnight visit with the littles went really well.  They are easy.  They sleep well, they eat what you feed them, and at least for now, they are really easily entertained.  Nick LOVED them.  He was so excited that he actually was the one we kept having to calm down, quiet down, and make eat.  He read to them, played with them, sang with them, and made them laugh.  It was a sight to see.

Pat was the ultimate team player.  Seriously, all women should be jealous.  We would make these big messes with toys, food, whatever and I would go change a diaper, come back, and everything would be picked up, washed, etc.  It was awesome.  I really would not even be considering this without such a great partner. 

I really enjoyed having them in the house.  It did my heart good to see Nick with them....He could make Abe belly laugh for minutes at a time.   I have no doubts that he will have his moments of usual sibling stuff but he just beamed with their attention and smiles back to him. My favorite part was bedtime.  I love kids in pajamas.  We read books and said prayers and put them all in their beds.  Even with a little fussing (mostly Nick - ha!), everyone was in bed and asleep by 9.  All in all a very successful sleepover.  There will certainly be challenges.  Their nutritional deficiencies are huge.  Swallowing and tolerance of advanced textures were delayed and muscle control of arms, legs, and torso will need some work but we are excited to see how fast they improve in the next few months.

As I try to embrace my deep desire to live daily with the Lord, I have been surprisingly stress-free.  They are babies, they are easy.  well, at least compared to a certain other newly home crazed boy from afar.  My contemplations seem to be swirling in this foster vs. adoption arena.  I have been so overwhelmed with every one's sincere delight and excitement for us.  There is a part of me that keeps wanting to remind everyone that we are fostering for now....a part of me wants to hold back the celebration.  Of course, we hope to adopt but we may not know anything permanent for a year or so.  They could return home in a month, 6 month or the day before we celebrate a year.  It just is not known if this is "forever". 

Nick has taken quite a grown-up attitude and tells everyone that they will be in our family but only God knows if they will be our "forever" family.  I'm not sure he really gets it, especially after they could potentially be with us for quite a while and still return home.....But, he is all in. He is "the Big Brother".   Yes, we are a foster home for now.....but really we are just a home with lots of love to give away....Daily...  THIS is where my heart has been all week.  Seeking God's assurance that he really is going to take care of our hearts and sustain us daily.   He has loved us well thru this process.  His fingerprints are all over this journey right now. Our friends and family have loved us well also.  So, I'm going to let go and celebrate the fact that lots of people are going to love these two precious ones by acting crazy over them and us.  Everyone deserves to be celebrated.  I'm going to enjoy the ooohs and the aaaaws because we are celebrating Abe and Sarah. They are His created ones....fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose and made to be loved.  My prayer is that the littles will be loved well because we too are being loved well.  I can rest in that tonight.  My brain may not shut off for a while yet but it will still rest in His love and purpose for me, for my family and for our new littles.  And, the next adventure begins.....

Our first visit!

Today Abe and Sarah came to play.  Their current foster family had doctor's appt so we got to babysit! To say everything was surreal is an understatement.  It very much felt like Kazakhstan.  One minute you are hanging out, the next, you have two little people looking at you like ....who in the world are you and why are those other people leaving me here?

It's kind of like a first date...very awkward. Even writing about it is awkward because you can't really describe the feeling to those who haven't experienced it first hand.  As we sat in the floor and just looked at them and played with them, your heart just breaks.  Sarah is skinny, really skinny and only crawling at almost 19 months.   There are obvious signs of neglect.  Abe at 9 months has no muscle control ....think 3 months or less physically.  They both have the visual signs of laying lots of hours on their backs.  Sarah, at first, did not utter a sound, just big tears would develop in her eyes and it was as if she was crying without sound. Reminded me of Nick.  But, boy, were they precious. Both with stunning blue eyes that connected with you when they knew you were paying attention to them, really seeing them.  I could feel it.  The connection. Although, attachment has been a journey with Nick, I remember feeling this connection with him.  It's not like love at first site, or oh, we are meant to be.  It's just like, we are going to journey together you and I, so let's go.

I got a little teary thinking about how hard it would be to carry babies around all day even with the ergo.  It scares me.  My back doesn't like me to carry lots of weight and well, I need to lose some weight of my own.  I'm sure there will be an adjustment stage as my body regulates to the new norm but I couldn't help get excited to think about our day to day activities to attach, bond and catch up developmentally.  When I nannied, I pretty much got to play all day and interact with the kids and fortunately, we have slowed our life down enough that I will get lots of playtime with the Littles too. I love to think about creating positive neuropathways that Nick didn't get his first 3 years and trying to give them some of the sensory gifts that I couldn't give Nick.  It all feels so right.  I mean, you can't tell me God hasn't picked just the right family to nurture them right now. They just called in First steps so that they will have therapists and nutrition intervention quickly thru the state......and then there would be Pat and the rehab science departments at our fingertips and  well there is that whole dietitian degree that I have. ;)  I cannot wait to tell Abe and Sarah how much God loves them...... so much that He uniquely equipped this home just for them.

We are going to try and see them again this weekend so Nick can meet them.  Our plan is to still transition them next Thursday into our home.  I cannot even begin to tell you how God has provided every big ticket item that we needed for this placement.  Cribs, mattresses, car seats, high chairs, and on and on.  We have been "showered" without even having a shower which you don't usually get to do in a foster situation.  We did take a babies R us run last night because I wanted an Ergo, some Car seat protectors, and a monitor.  We hope to wait until the consignment sale next month and after we have the kids for a few weeks to see what else we might need.  I think all the basics are covered at this point.  God is so good to provide.  We have such an incredible support system here and abroad. Now, we just need to find some good babysitters, anyone, anyone? 

I'll post a cheat picture so you can at least see their sweet noses and mouths.  And Pat and Abe already almost had a full on nap time in "the chair" already.  I think "someone" will appreciate the chance to rock the baby to sleep so he can catch a few zzzz's as well. :)  Love it.

Unplugged but then there's News!

I have been slowly trying to de-clutter my life with online time wasting.  I took FB off my phone and try to only check the computer once or twice a day at the most along with checking emails for any important information. I just started this about a week ago so the detox is tough! ;)

We have been on a journey with God, an amazing race of our own, and just like the show, there are days you finish first, days you finish 7th out of 8 places, and then days where you are dead last, beaten up, covered in mud, and crying but God shows up with the grace card, it's a non-elimination round! I love Phil.

I share duties with an awesome friend as leaders of our church's adoption support group. We have journeyed thru many of these ups and downs together.  You can read her most recent post here.
We chuckled over her post and current process. You would think I would have taken her post to heart immediately. or not.

You see, we had most recently started thinking that we would start looking into other paths that God may have for us versus adopting, Respite care, in particular.  There is such a great need for people to commit to walk along side families who are adopting to provide support, a night out, a meal, a hug, whatever but it is a commitment.  Adopted kids need familiarity and security so in our minds at least, we could offer our experience with children from traumatic backgrounds to others who were/are in crisis situations and just want/need a break for restoration. We really were and still are excited about pursuing this avenue with our church and community.  All the while, adoption has just been on the back burner for us and basically was getting a little discouraging. 

I was really struggling with the questions of the journey.  God's ways are certainly not our ways.  We had come to a place where we just decided that we had to walk daily with the Lord and again and again surrender the future and the worries back to him. I'm a planner, this is hard for me.  I can wait forever, but I need an end point.  I had to surrender the end point.  I just finished a great book by Jennie Allen called Anything.  She talks about her family's journey to surrender the endpoint to God and to pray the prayer, God we will do Anything.  That is a life altering prayer.  Could I really say God, we will do Anything, Whatever you ask.  I think this is where the rubber meets the road for a Jesus follower.  Are we willing to risk everything to do Anything.

Risk, I don't like Risk.  Adventure is good but I still play it safe most of the time.  I have many times in my life done things that others deemed risky; changed my major and college at least 4 times I think, up and moved to Kentucky by myself, quit my career for awhile to nanny, and married a northern Lutheran, gasp, don't be offended, family joke.   But, underneath it all, I had the illusion of Control, to me there was not much risk at all, especially with the northern Lutheran, he rocks!

In our second adoption journey, we have been very protective of what we are considering based on what we think we can handle and strongly considering Nick's needs.  This month I really worked hard on surrendering those areas.  God sees the big picture right? ugh, still so hard for me.  Last week we FINALLY met with our state caseworker.  She was sweet and asked all the usual get to know the adoptive family questions and we regurgitated our usual adoptive family responses.....yes, older is good, yes, any gender, yes, any race, no, aggressive behaviors, blah blah, ad nauseum.  We always end with the we are open to many things and wont say no until we know the situation but we really dont' think babies are a good fit because we are old and done with wanting that stage.

You know what's coming, don't you?

Well, I promise you, no less than 6 hours later, another caseworker called and said, I heard that you might be willing to be a concurrent home given the right situation (side note:  Concurrent in state speak is a home willing to foster and also willing to adopt if the parenteral rights are eventually terminated. There are homes that are foster only, and adopt only (us) and concurrent is a mix of both)
I said yes, we will CONSIDER it but we have Nick to protect with his insecurities about being returned/ replaced etc.  and then she said it, well, we have two babies, 18 mo girl and 8 mo boy that need a concurrent placement and we thought you might be a good fit.... (in state speak, this MIGHT mean, cough, cough, that they are desperate for anyone to just say yes) but luckily, we know that someone else is really running the show, He created these babies, He set the stars in the sky, He orders the universe, We might just trust him a tad bit more.  I did not immediately feel the urge to say no...hmm. Luckily, I had the whole, I'll talk to Pat thing to fall back on.  so, she said "we need to know if you want more information in the morning" umm, OK. click.

Oh, goodness, how do I bring this up to Pat, Hi, How was your day, the have offered us two sweet babies, but we have to at least say yes by the morning for more info and we have to foster first, and what do you want for dinner, babe?  and really, that's pretty much how I did it. and he didn't say no immediately, hmmmm.

Then, as I told you, I was reading this book called Anything, and I somehow knew that God had a word for me in this book, thru the scriptures she shared, and the challenges she called out ....to do Anything for God, really actually means, to do ANYTHING for God regardless of the risk, the craziness, the pros and cons, the common sense, and for goodness sakes, our ages (Pat will be on SS when they graduate if this all plays out people!) If we truly say we trust God with our futures then we have to say your will, not ours! (Let's just say, I so see why Jesus had such turmoil in the garden yet being who He was, was able to lay it all down, surrendering it to His Father)

And then we have to trust those around us to Him as well.  God took care of Nick before us and has him now. He loves Nick.  He has a journey for Nick and we cannot always think we should control that for him over what God has for him.  Don't you think Jesus was saying to God that night in the garden, I just don't think the disciples are ready, Peter, he's a little skittish, John's got some issues with pride, Matthew, he comes from such a hard background, he may need some more time, maybe We should wait, maybe we should hold off. But, Jesus knew he could trust those most precious to him to their Creator, their heavenly Father. So, he laid down his worries and concerns that night and said, not my will, but yours.  So we were encouraged to do so as well.  Nick is so excited, the threat of competition, the replacement factor and all seems to have taken a back seat to the fact that he will be a "Great big brother" and we will soooo need his help to make our team work.  God is good, he knows His sheep well and cares for them with unfailing love.

So what does this mean really.  Well, we pondered that night, and prayed, and laughed, and sighed at the irony, and we decided that we would TRUST and we would do ANYTHING even if it involved loss, and even if it involved BABIES!   As with all foster children, their information will be private.  If they proceed to adoption status with us, then we will announce their "births" to us at that time.....with pictures and fanfare and hoopla....but now, we will quietly become a family of 5 on the 23rd of this month.    Because I love irony and God's sense of humor, we will nickname them, for future posts and FB status updates, Abe (Abraham) and Sarah because the Abe and Sarah of the bible were also called to parent an infant in their old age and like them we are also laughing....... all the way to the babies R us.  I knew this was different when we were both sitting relaxed in our old people chairs and just saying, yes!, lets do this last Thursday night. We have had moments of panic, sure, but seeking God daily and leaving the future to Him has given me a sense of freedom and peace that me and my personality rarely get to feel. Pat is excited too and I would know if he's stressed, and he's not, he's really not.  I had surrendered the dream of ever seeing him rocking a baby in our favorite chair to sleep late at night, but God said, here, I'll give it back to you, just packaged a bit differently.  And, the beautiful knitted  blanket with all the sesame street characters on it, well, I pulled it out last night, I couldn't part with it, it was packed away in a box ( a gift when we were expecting a "baby" from Kazakhstan from a dear ALS patient and my sweet co-workers ) and now it will hang in their room to look at and laugh at and it will be a reminder of God's love for me and his knowledge of even our secret wishes even if they aren't practical or logical.  And, His ways, His timing, His care is always far superior to what we could imagine or plan for ourselves and if we rest in that, then He is always Glorified and crazy enough, we are satisfied and have joy, unspeakable joy.