My favorite Casting Crowns song this year. In every situation we have encountered this year, I come back to the fact that this is a story that God is writing and he already knows the end. He's already there. I have to hang my hat on that at the end of the day or lose myself to despair because frankly, life isn't fair, it's a mystery on most days. The littles' mom got an extension of two months because a one day psych assessment said she should get 3-6 months to take some classes and well 4 (which was agreed upon by both parties at the last court date) is not 6 so lets give her 2 more? Truly it was that confusing and quick. Less than 15 minutes. I need to talk to the caseworker before I talk about the proceedings because they were so unexplainable that I want to know a few more facts, maybe we didn't get them all. I'm pretty sure the judge did not get them all.....the facts, that is. So we have a visit from her on Thursday and then I'll try to fill you in better once I've processed it all and taken some more deep breathing moments with the Lord.
If I've been told once, I've been told 6,742 times that God doesn't give us more than we can handle. I so disagree. It's not really biblical at all. The bible says he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. Nothing about trials and circumstances here, just temptation. Was I tempted to punch a lawyer today, yes, but I was not tempted beyond what I could bear.....I resisted. He was with me and made a way for an escape which was a great calm husband who just let me vent and get it out in the court parking lot. I think God is all about allowing MORE than we can handle because then it becomes all about Him and very little about us. He gets the glory, not me. He gets to shine now, not me. To say that we are handling all the trials thrown at us right now is laughable to us. The days where I cry out to God in anger, fall to the bed in despair, or sit on the couch in absolute weariness far far outweigh the days that I get up rejoicing that this is the day that the Lord has made and singing church worship songs. I simply do not want this life but I love the life God has given me. It's a bi-polar existence. It's hard and I don't like hard. It's all about the relationship He and I have been building, the years invested in finding out who GOD is, the years studying His book to us that tells us everything we need to know to get thru these trials. We learn of his character, we learn of his promises to us in these times, we learn about his perfect plan and his unique plan just for us. I have his spirit inside of me that reminds me of verses, songs/hymns, and He comforts me. We also have the fellowship of believers that come beside us in support in those darkest of days. THAT is how you get thru trials. It's not pretty and it's most certainly a choice. I could choose to wallow in my frustration, I could choose to be mad, I could choose to feel that life is unfair. But I choose to believe, I choose to trust, and I choose to get up the next day believing that God is in control and He has a plan. I can't "handle" anything, I'm a mess but God can and He does. He is faithful and He is everything that His word says he is. He is good, sovereign, kind and merciful, full of grace, compassionate, healer, judge, father, and he brings beauty from lots of ashes in this life. He is most of all redeemer of me and my mess. As I told a friend recently, He loves to bless messes. I'm no better than anybody else, we all are a mess and we live in a big messed up world....but He redeems and restores. That is truth. That is Hope.
So what else...... it's really been a crazy few months. Radiation continues, 6 treatments left. Side effects have been minimal to moderate on some days so far. Fatigue and sunburned type skin are my biggest complaints at this point and the grueling everyday addition of that time to our schedule.
Nick has had another challenging month and finally hit a wall at school (Spanish immersion) and with our therapists, principal, and Nick, we made the decision to re-school him to our neighborhood school. He did not need any additional anxiety and speaking/reading Spanish caused him anxiety. The transition took place within two days about a week ago. It was stressful yet felt good to be doing something to show Nick that we really do "hear" him and love him. He has transitioned well and likes his new school. We are thankful.
The littles are changing and growing like crazy. We nearly have two full time walkers but Abe feels faster at the crawl still. :) Their verbal skills are emerging more and more every day. They love to play together and make each other laugh. We have to accommodate mom with therapies outside our home so we see her on average 4 times a week. It weighs on me... especially on days like today where it is so obvious that parenting skills don't come naturally to her and after 15 months, they aren't just going to appear but yet they continue to drag out the proceedings. oh and Girly broke her arm on the playground on one of those bounce/spring things because our life wasn't quite exciting enough this month.
That's the long and the short of it all, mom got an extension (Dec 2 will be new court date), Nick changed schools, s broke her arm, radiation continues....God loves me this I know, for the bible tells me so. That is all.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Thursday, August 15, 2013
One year ago today......
One year ago today, we had our first visit with the littles. Nick was at school and the previous foster family dropped them off while they went to a dr's appointment near our home. I can vividly remember that day. They were shockingly delayed and shells of little people. S was emaciated and looked shell-shocked and neuro damaged from first glance, A had a meek little smile and was a limp rag, barely holding his head up. They were 22 mo and 10 mo give or take a few days. It was shocking and scary to say the least. We still like to go back and look at pictures from that day and from the subsequent visits as well as their first days here because it. is. amazing. to see the transformation that they have undergone in one year. Amazing. Pictures don't really do them justice but I still wish I could do some then and now. Most impressive is their change in personalities. They were just quiet and non-involved. I remember putting them to bed early on and it was basically just quiet. I would wonder what they were laying there thinking about; where they scared, sad, mad? I can promise you they are quiet no more. They found their voices pretty quickly and the personalities that have emerged are just so fun and curious and adventurous and loving and on, and on.
In the last couple of months with all the "other" drama going on, I have failed to mention all the awesome moments that have frankly made the cancer pale in comparison. S has begun to chew and will chew almost everything at least one or two times if not more. It is the most exciting thing ever to watch....probably more of a dietitian excitement....but very cool none-the-less to know that all of the things we noticed, addressed, and treated have helped her to develop the ability to chew. Cool stuff.
AND, not to be outdone, we have also added another walker to the ranks. I would not say he is proficient yet but he can take unsteady walks across a room and can stand up from the middle of the floor without anything to hold. Again, going from where they were when they got here til now has been an incredible journey to watch and be a part of on so many levels. They have learned to be in a family, to play, to laugh, to sing, and to love. Hopefully we have developed good healthy attachment and trust so that they can be all that God intended them to be. We still see biomom every week and now she attends therapies as well. She still wants to parent. She will have court at the end of September and I believe at that session they will be making the choice whether to change the goal to adoption and termination or continue with reunification. The littles by that point will be in state care for over 15months and by law, they need to make this determination. So hopefully, they will do something and just not add months on for her to "change". I do believe in second chances but not when it would give the littles no chance at a normal healthy stable life. It is in God's hands for sure, there is nothing we can do except defend their cause and represent them at court if we even are allowed. Supposedly they have a Guardian ad litem who defends for their cause but we have not heard from her or met her so that will be another post for another day because I could go on and on about how disappointed I am in that part of the process.
I am so thankful on August 15th last year we decided to take a really big risk to foster a sibling set of littles. I would not change one thing about the journey except maybe Abe's new love of screeching and screaming. THAT has got to go! We continue to pray for God to allow us to love without worry and risk without fear. It's hard and there have been dark days and may be more in the future but we continue to TRUST that God has it and he is good all the time.
And just in case inquiring minds need to know, Radiation did not start this week, long story and not important, so I will start next Monday the 19th and I was randomized to the 6+week standard treatment. So very ready to get going and get it over with so we can move on. Since I did get the usual longer treatment period, I do have a friend setting up the food calendar this week; so I will post a link and/or email all friends who have inquired about helping us out with food during this time. Again, God has provided such great support thru all of our journey this summer and we are so thankful. We continue to be grateful for prayer regarding radiation side effects. Praying for minimal side effects and maximum effectiveness. Also continue to lift up our family as we approach the court date which could decide whether or not adoption becomes a reality for our littles. Pray that Nick takes all of this chaos in stride and is able to process it calmly and with confidence that God and his family is always for him and always by his side in all the ups and downs of life. Thanks ahead of time for your continued support and prayers.
In the last couple of months with all the "other" drama going on, I have failed to mention all the awesome moments that have frankly made the cancer pale in comparison. S has begun to chew and will chew almost everything at least one or two times if not more. It is the most exciting thing ever to watch....probably more of a dietitian excitement....but very cool none-the-less to know that all of the things we noticed, addressed, and treated have helped her to develop the ability to chew. Cool stuff.
AND, not to be outdone, we have also added another walker to the ranks. I would not say he is proficient yet but he can take unsteady walks across a room and can stand up from the middle of the floor without anything to hold. Again, going from where they were when they got here til now has been an incredible journey to watch and be a part of on so many levels. They have learned to be in a family, to play, to laugh, to sing, and to love. Hopefully we have developed good healthy attachment and trust so that they can be all that God intended them to be. We still see biomom every week and now she attends therapies as well. She still wants to parent. She will have court at the end of September and I believe at that session they will be making the choice whether to change the goal to adoption and termination or continue with reunification. The littles by that point will be in state care for over 15months and by law, they need to make this determination. So hopefully, they will do something and just not add months on for her to "change". I do believe in second chances but not when it would give the littles no chance at a normal healthy stable life. It is in God's hands for sure, there is nothing we can do except defend their cause and represent them at court if we even are allowed. Supposedly they have a Guardian ad litem who defends for their cause but we have not heard from her or met her so that will be another post for another day because I could go on and on about how disappointed I am in that part of the process.
I am so thankful on August 15th last year we decided to take a really big risk to foster a sibling set of littles. I would not change one thing about the journey except maybe Abe's new love of screeching and screaming. THAT has got to go! We continue to pray for God to allow us to love without worry and risk without fear. It's hard and there have been dark days and may be more in the future but we continue to TRUST that God has it and he is good all the time.
They Love to play with Nick so much and he has obliged them more often than not.
I love to watch them all love on each other, our best accomplishment would be to teach them all how to love God, love who He made them to be and to love each other and those he puts in their paths. That would be successful parenting in our eyes.
Umm, only in Northern Wisconsin would there be a snowmobile safety and "how to" video at the Children's museum
We are King and Queen of the world, er, the lake!
He looks like a teenager in this picture, cute, but oh my!
Nick and his traditional back to school from behind pic with dad and two additions this year. They each had to have a hand. LOVE!
And just in case inquiring minds need to know, Radiation did not start this week, long story and not important, so I will start next Monday the 19th and I was randomized to the 6+week standard treatment. So very ready to get going and get it over with so we can move on. Since I did get the usual longer treatment period, I do have a friend setting up the food calendar this week; so I will post a link and/or email all friends who have inquired about helping us out with food during this time. Again, God has provided such great support thru all of our journey this summer and we are so thankful. We continue to be grateful for prayer regarding radiation side effects. Praying for minimal side effects and maximum effectiveness. Also continue to lift up our family as we approach the court date which could decide whether or not adoption becomes a reality for our littles. Pray that Nick takes all of this chaos in stride and is able to process it calmly and with confidence that God and his family is always for him and always by his side in all the ups and downs of life. Thanks ahead of time for your continued support and prayers.
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Quick update - radiation therapy
It's been a crazy few weeks! With great friends and a fabulous babysitter coming in after my family left, we have survived. I did a little kid lifting today. not much but I just had to get back in the saddle. It felt great to just get my little and put them where I wanted instead of waiting for someone else. Still sore so I don't expect I will go overboard at this point and I don't enjoy the swelling and icepacks after a long day.
Met with the Radiation Oncologist on Friday and we will start radiation therapy on the 12th. Same week school starts. We like to start school this way. Last year it was the littles joining our family so why not do something equally as crazy this year although not even close to the same fun. I have not exactly signed on the dotted line of the study but probably will thus I will either be randomized to a 3 week more potent course of radiation or the standard 6 week course. So that will determine when I am done with treatments. We have no idea what the effects of the radiation will be like on me.
Side note: All of you that have so sweetly offered to bring us food, this is when we expect to need some relief and help (hope to get one of those online sign up things soon)
The side effects generally seem to be anything from hardly nothing (like a little tired) to pretty darn serious (like burns and very fatigued) as reported from friends and family that I know that have had it. As I told my mom, I am the only me, so who knows what it will be for me. I know I am going to be asking everyone to pray for minimal side effects with both the radiation and hormone therapy. I started the Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and besides feeling more overwhelmed and emotional, I haven't noticed much....not that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed and emotional anyway with all of the chaos going on. :)
We are going to head north for a quick before school starts and because Pat needs a big ol' break vacation and I cannot wait. Pat has been on 24/7 super duty for weeks now and I look forward to seeing him relax and get out on the lake and refresh. He so deserves it.
Thank you again and again for all the prayers, cards, encouragement and support you have given me over the last few weeks. We are blessed, tired, but very blessed. :)
Met with the Radiation Oncologist on Friday and we will start radiation therapy on the 12th. Same week school starts. We like to start school this way. Last year it was the littles joining our family so why not do something equally as crazy this year although not even close to the same fun. I have not exactly signed on the dotted line of the study but probably will thus I will either be randomized to a 3 week more potent course of radiation or the standard 6 week course. So that will determine when I am done with treatments. We have no idea what the effects of the radiation will be like on me.
Side note: All of you that have so sweetly offered to bring us food, this is when we expect to need some relief and help (hope to get one of those online sign up things soon)
The side effects generally seem to be anything from hardly nothing (like a little tired) to pretty darn serious (like burns and very fatigued) as reported from friends and family that I know that have had it. As I told my mom, I am the only me, so who knows what it will be for me. I know I am going to be asking everyone to pray for minimal side effects with both the radiation and hormone therapy. I started the Tamoxifen a few weeks ago and besides feeling more overwhelmed and emotional, I haven't noticed much....not that I wouldn't feel overwhelmed and emotional anyway with all of the chaos going on. :)
We are going to head north for a quick before school starts and because Pat needs a big ol' break vacation and I cannot wait. Pat has been on 24/7 super duty for weeks now and I look forward to seeing him relax and get out on the lake and refresh. He so deserves it.
Thank you again and again for all the prayers, cards, encouragement and support you have given me over the last few weeks. We are blessed, tired, but very blessed. :)
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's all Good.
We are one week post surgery and besides the total torture of not lifting my littles ( I still have another week to go), it's all good. Anesthesia kicked my tush as usual and I was very sick for the remainder of the surgery day but once all of it was gone out of my system, I felt pretty good. My underarm incision bugs me the most and it's all sore but to be expected. I didn't take any pain meds but advil so the pain has been very minimal. So thankful. AND you cannot rest with 3 kids, enough said.
I had my post op visit with final pathology report today and all margins and lymph nodes are clear microscopically for metastasis. We are so grateful that we have had the best results possible for the situation. I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist next week to get the radiation scheduled. I am a candidate for a research study that gives a 3 week or 5 week radiation course so we will investigate that further because, well, we do like to help out those UK researchers (wink) so we can make it a top 20 hospital. Ideally, I would like to start radiation as soon as school starts back for Nick so we have one less child to worry about as far as childcare and schedules. I don't think it will be a problem but we shall see. While I did not expect them to recommend it, I was still relieved that we have the no Chemo affirmation because that really would have been a scheduling nightmare with all the littles' therapies and appts. I will also start Tamoxifen therapy which is an Estrogen suppressor therapy. Because my cancer type is extremely estrogen hungry , if you suppress the estrogen, in theory, you will stop the cells from replicating....yes, please. So that treatment is 5 years. So, all in all, best case scenario for a cancer patient. My favorite part of this journey is that I am considered "young" , as an older mom of young children, and I feel my age often after a long day, the fact that they keep saying that I am so "young" for this cancer, and "young" this and "young" that has been good for the soul. ha!
My family has been here since the day before surgery. We think this is quite possibly the longest time we have all been together in years. (we had just been with them for almost 2 weeks in TX for Kazapalooza) They all leave tomorrow, they are all so happy. ;) I cannot tell you how organized my house is....everyone's nervous energy was to my benefit for sure. Much thanks, love and gentle side hugs go out to my Mom, Dad, Sister, Niece and Nephew (who will especially not miss screeching one year olds and Drama Llama Lou 2 year olds). I will probably not miss all the chaos but I will definitely miss having them close by. Thank you family from all of us!
Thanks also to all of you who have sent cards and gift cards, FB well wishes, and texts. It's overwhelming and just plain sweet to get so much love. I feel so blessed to know and love so many great people all over the country and here in our town. God is faithful. We are being sustained and encouraged by God's love and strength and from all the care, concern, and unsweet tea that is lavished upon us daily from all of you. Love and gentle side hugs! It's all good. Praise God!
I had my post op visit with final pathology report today and all margins and lymph nodes are clear microscopically for metastasis. We are so grateful that we have had the best results possible for the situation. I have an appointment with the radiation oncologist next week to get the radiation scheduled. I am a candidate for a research study that gives a 3 week or 5 week radiation course so we will investigate that further because, well, we do like to help out those UK researchers (wink) so we can make it a top 20 hospital. Ideally, I would like to start radiation as soon as school starts back for Nick so we have one less child to worry about as far as childcare and schedules. I don't think it will be a problem but we shall see. While I did not expect them to recommend it, I was still relieved that we have the no Chemo affirmation because that really would have been a scheduling nightmare with all the littles' therapies and appts. I will also start Tamoxifen therapy which is an Estrogen suppressor therapy. Because my cancer type is extremely estrogen hungry , if you suppress the estrogen, in theory, you will stop the cells from replicating....yes, please. So that treatment is 5 years. So, all in all, best case scenario for a cancer patient. My favorite part of this journey is that I am considered "young" , as an older mom of young children, and I feel my age often after a long day, the fact that they keep saying that I am so "young" for this cancer, and "young" this and "young" that has been good for the soul. ha!
My family has been here since the day before surgery. We think this is quite possibly the longest time we have all been together in years. (we had just been with them for almost 2 weeks in TX for Kazapalooza) They all leave tomorrow, they are all so happy. ;) I cannot tell you how organized my house is....everyone's nervous energy was to my benefit for sure. Much thanks, love and gentle side hugs go out to my Mom, Dad, Sister, Niece and Nephew (who will especially not miss screeching one year olds and Drama Llama Lou 2 year olds). I will probably not miss all the chaos but I will definitely miss having them close by. Thank you family from all of us!
Thanks also to all of you who have sent cards and gift cards, FB well wishes, and texts. It's overwhelming and just plain sweet to get so much love. I feel so blessed to know and love so many great people all over the country and here in our town. God is faithful. We are being sustained and encouraged by God's love and strength and from all the care, concern, and unsweet tea that is lavished upon us daily from all of you. Love and gentle side hugs! It's all good. Praise God!
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Can I trust God for Anything in Everything?
8 or so years ago when we decided to leave our fertility up
to God and “just adopt”, we could have never ever ever in a million years known
what kind of journey we had ahead of us.
We recently watched our wedding video at my parent’s house and I sat
there and wondered, wow, what a life we’ve had in 10 years so far…..for better ,
worse, sickness, health….I think that we already covered it all in just 10
years, what in the world will the next 40 bring?
Trusting God …….that seems to be the theme of it all. Hopping on a plane 6 ½ years ago to a land we
had only recently discovered to adopt a child, boy?, girl?, age negotiable?
Siblings? We thought we would bring home
an infant, we came home with a 3 year old. We heard God saying loudly in Kaz,
take this 3 year old as your very own sweet son, Trust me. So we did, and thru all the ups and many many
downs, we have never doubted once that Nicholas Carmon was the son He chose for
us to parent. But, trust has not come
easy because the journey hasn’t been easy. We have felt helpless, confused, and
frustrated but mixed in the middle is a knowing that God has a plan, so trust springs
forth as we have learned more of who He is thru the process of parenting a
child who lacks trust. Somehow in grace, we see more of God because we see how
He can love us so much even when we struggle to trust Him. It is always amazing to me the parallels in
the Christian life and adoption. We see
the grace, the unconditional determination and love of a Father for his
children; children that are angry, lash out, scream and continually push away.
He never falters (we do, but He doesn’t) and somehow that gives us hope and
boosts our trust in Him, because He gets it, He gets parenting kids that hurt,
and don’t believe, and underneath it all, just feel lost. So thankful for this
insight and thankful that we chose to Trust His ways and not ours.
When our Ecuador adoption process stalled completely and we
were contemplating walking away, again, there was the question of Trusting in
anything. We thought we had gone the
correct course, we paid lots of hard earned money, and now we were feeling led
out of the process. How could this be?,
why would God let us lose so much money?
We kept hearing, I will provide, it’s all mine anyway, I have a plan,
Trust me with this for now. So we did,
we walked away. Soon after, timing (or rather God’s timing) was finally right
for us to take the state classes for foster/adoption thru the state and we
decided to risk our hearts and our efforts on the unknown once again. So we “said’ that we want older children,
preferably non-Caucasian and adopt only status.
We didn’t want to foster and risk our hearts THAT much. Yes, as you know, that worked out exactly how
we expected, 2 babies as white as can be and foster status with reunification
with parent as the goal still. Again, we heard Do your REALLY trust me with
Anything? Do you really? We had to say yes, we had to. Parenting these littles
has been nothing short of watching miracles. They have changed so much from 10
months ago, so much that I hardly remember the early days. God is teaching us
to trust Him daily for this particular journey. The future is unsure, we do not
know anything at this point except that they are a part of our family today and
this unsure status has been equally hard.
Trusting has been hard for me especially. Because of Nick’s trust
issues, I fear the same will happen to the littles if they are jostled back and
forth in an insecure environment. How can going back to their biomom be the
best mentally for them, how? He says to me daily, sometimes hourly, trust me, I
got this too and I love them more than you can imagine. So, we feebly but maybe a bit more
confidently trust again. I read
somewhere that in our faith journey this is called imperfect progress.
I’d say ‘not so controlled’ Chaos would describe the last
few months for us. End of school usual stuff
combined with a particularly hard cycle of behavior for Nick, court reviews for
biomom, teething, therapies non-stop, and looming Kazapalooza crunch time were
all creating one of those times where you think you just might crack if one
more thing is added. Yet, in the midst, we were studying in BSF the book of
Genesis where the great patriarchs of our faith were tested. They were asked to
build a boat without ever having seen water, to GO without knowing where, to
risk losing a promised child, to forgive themselves and others even when they
failed, and to trust in Him and not their seemingly insurmountable and unjust
circumstances. Would you call it coincidence that we were studying this now,
right in the midst of our chaos? How could we? God provides exactly what we
need to be able to proceed in the journey he has called us to. So at each
breaking point, it seemed we always had a hope builder, a glimpse of God’s
goodness, a shared journey with like-minded friends, a perfectly timed sermon
and on and on. God was good to show himself to us when we most needed Him.
So……. it somehow was not a shock and not
earth shattering when the nurse called about 5 weeks ago and said your biopsy
results are not good, I’m sorry but you have breast cancer. I would say my first
response after I hung up the phone in my head was really? Now God, really? I think I would have crumbled to the floor at
that point had God not known that right then, immediately, I just needed a sign
that He was in control, and He provided.
Not five seconds after I hung up the phone, Pat texted me and said “Any
news on your test results. I immediately
texted him back and said “How did you know? It’s not benign.” And somehow in
that moment, my confidence in the God who made me and has plans for me, the creator of all things grew leaps and
bounds and if He can orchestrate a simple timely text at the precise minute
that I hang up to show me that He’s got it. He’s with me, and He’s in
control….then what else can I do but Trust Him with anything in everything that
has to do with this new journey. We
certainly do not celebrate this journey with dancing and tambourines (those
Israelites got it going on!) but we ARE able to see God in the journey, we have
joy in the everyday things in our life and feel thankful and blessed.... but
honestly, there is some frustration at the timing and fear of the unknown
creeps up when you least expect it. We truly have learned (because God had
already prepared us in the last 6 years) that he gives each day what we need and
we will be thankful for the good days as well as the not so good days because
they are what make us who we are and they are what reflect God’s sovereignty
and goodness in our lives. Nothing
separates us from his love, nothing. Not our hardships, not our failures, not
our lack of faith and trust, not our shaking our fist at him, not our anger,
nothing but unbelief can separate…..and we BELIEVE that He has a plan, he has a
purpose in all of this and we feel his love, and his presence in so many
tangible ways.
As we have told people
over the last few weeks, many of you (family and friends) have been His
tangible love. We are so thankful and so
grateful. From my Kazapalooza teammates
who having stressful lives of their own, without hesitation saying "stop now,
give us your stuff to handle", to filing and cleaning up months and cough, cough
years of paper messes and helping me organize before treatments, to special
girlfriend dates from longtime friends, to prayers and more prayers, and
finally our families who pray and have been willing to drop everything to help us out
during surgery and recovery. God has
showed up in the care of the kids by giving us some medical/therapy help with
Nick that has provided relief and more good days than bad and the
littles have been just recently spoiled and loved on by my parents and sister
and family so they were not “strangers” when they arrived this weekend and
their comfort level is more secure.
As far as my cancer, it’s early, first stage, found in a routine/yearly
mammogram (all you over 40’s chickas, get it done!!). My surgeon is confident
that a lumpectomy and routine radiation will be the best course of treatment
for now. Surgery is tomorrow/Monday and
we will know more once the after surgery pathology report is finished. I’m ready to get it over with and ready to
have a plan….that is the control freak sneaking out of me, I know, you would
think I would have learned by now. But,
whatever the future holds, I know who holds it, and who has my best interest
and my best possible plan in his hands. So, I’m good, I really am. Kazapalooza is over and it was really
wonderful. Our support system is showing up in spades and overwhelming us with
love. The big kid and littles are doing well which is an answer to prayer
already and I have my awesome husband by my side, he has been nothing short of
perfectly wonderful thru this whole thing…….he should get some kind of purple
heart or something for the last 10 years.
Love him so much. So, what more
could a girl ask for besides a little cancer weight loss, come on, a girl can
dream, cant she?…..and a good night’s sleep, they tell me that’s what surgery
is good for….so there you go, my life in one really long blog post. I wasn’t
sure I was going to put it out there on the web but then, I don’t feel like
it’s my story to protect, I feel like it’s my story to testify….to testify of
God’s existence, His goodness, His mercy and His unfailing love for me. I write this as a journal of sorts for me but
also to let the rest of you in on what God is doing and is going to do. How can I
not share?
As far as prayer requests……
Please pray for Pat, Nick and the littles, for my family
here taking care of us, and for the family that is not here but wanting to be.
It’s never easy to hear the word cancer in relation to a close family member,
it’s happened to me several times so I know. Pray for peace and comfort along
with endurance and a sense of humor about all the chaos. Pray against fear,
insecurity and worry especially for the kids as things will be a little off for
the next few weeks since I cannot lift, wrestle, swing, etc. Pray for Pat and the burden of being the
husband, dad and provider in these coming weeks. Lots on his shoulders, Pray
that he lays it at the feet of the one who can bear it for him.
Pray for my surgeon Dr. Wright and my Oncologist Dr.
Remond. Pray for best surgery outcome
with minimal recovery and wisdom over the treatments. Pray for all involved in the surgery to be of
clear mind and thought, undistracted and on their best game. ;)
Pray for my healing and recovery. Rest is hard for me, really hard. Pray that the cancer is as we say in Ky, a
one and done deal. Pray that treatment will be the best option for me and for
the family. Pray for the fear that does occasionally creep in at night….you
know that rest thing….and it mostly concerns the kids so pray that I will
continue to daily trust that God knows them just as well as I do and pray that
I will continue to surrender them to Him.
Saturday, May 4, 2013
10 years ago on May 4th.......
It's 10:10 as I start this post, ironic, huh. It's our 10th Anniversary today. 10 years as an old married couple. As I went back thru pictures I am amazed at how young we look, we were not spring chickens. I was about to be 36 a few days after our wedding and Pat was about to be 39, 3 days after that......but we were so excited about the years ahead. So excited to see what in the world God had planned by bringing a Missouri girl and a Wisconsin boy together in Ky for heaven's sake. You could tell we were not true Kentuckians as we planned our wedding on Derby weekend....what in the world! ;) I wanted to get married in March initially and I so would have planned it on NCAA championship weekend....we are rebels like that. What an adventure we have had in these short 10 years.
3 years later God led us to Kazakhstan to start our family. We had never heard of this country before our adoption. After travelling half way around the world, we met two almost 3 year olds and knew by a significant sign from the Lord that Nick was the one that He had for us. Now, 6 years later, he has gone from a scared and mad little boy to a handsome, funny, creative, lovable 9 year old....who is sometimes still a scared mad little boy. It has been the most rewarding, heart wrenching, joy-filled, character building, God depending journey that we have every been on and continue to be on. I cannot imagine walking this path with anyone else but my husband. He is the best team player I could have asked for and we have worked hard to be Team Kitzman for Nick and we will continue to do what God has us do to help him be successful and fulfill all that God has purposed him to do in this life. Love this boy!
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| Our engagement Picture |
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| BEST DAY EVER! May 4, 2003 |
3 years later God led us to Kazakhstan to start our family. We had never heard of this country before our adoption. After travelling half way around the world, we met two almost 3 year olds and knew by a significant sign from the Lord that Nick was the one that He had for us. Now, 6 years later, he has gone from a scared and mad little boy to a handsome, funny, creative, lovable 9 year old....who is sometimes still a scared mad little boy. It has been the most rewarding, heart wrenching, joy-filled, character building, God depending journey that we have every been on and continue to be on. I cannot imagine walking this path with anyone else but my husband. He is the best team player I could have asked for and we have worked hard to be Team Kitzman for Nick and we will continue to do what God has us do to help him be successful and fulfill all that God has purposed him to do in this life. Love this boy!
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| Nick at 3 |
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| Nick at almost nine |
And that brings us to the present. If you think God doesn't have a fun sense of humor, just try planning out your life..even if just a little bit. We thought we were being so flexible and generous by giving our DCS workers broad categories for our next children...we were going against the popular choices and stating strongly that we wanted non-Caucasian, older, adoptable children....SO, God provided a Caucasian, foster infant/toddler sibling set for us. ha! ha! ha! We will never doubt that God doesn't know exactly what you need because The Littles have been exactly what we needed. They have brought Joy, aching muscles, sleepless nights, and endless laughter potential. Nick loves them, we love them, with all our hearts. In many ways, they brought healing and hope to all three of us. Nick is adored by these two, he is THE big man on campus to them. Sure, there has been jealousy and concern over being displaced but overall, he has enjoyed their addition to our family. Fostering is not for the faint of heart. We thought adoption was hard til we experienced this last 8 months. Putting your heart out there, risking everything to love children that may never be a part of your forever family is tough. Living Daily has become our couple mantra. God has been faithful to comfort and strengthen us when we have needed it most. Again, no other partner would have walked by my side, wiped my tears, watched me fail, cheered me on and loved me unconditionally like my husband.
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| Always into something together |
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| Little behinds that always make me a little behind! |
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| Always Always Always want to go outside |
I marveled over my blessing of a husband one night a few weeks ago when we were weary from some hard weeks and "Abe" was having a middle of the night absolute fit...over teeth, tummy ache, who knows what, but he was mad, you couldn't hold him, you couldn't put him down....you parents know the kind of fit. I had taken him downstairs so Pat could try and get some sleep. I was sitting on the couch wrestling with the baby and Pat came down and sat next to me to ask what he could do, so we sat there while the screaming continued and something about the fit, the way he was crying just got us giggling, I mean we were laughing uncontrollably at the craziness of our lives, probably a release of lots of stress and angst, there were tears...tears from laughing so hard!......and next thing we knew, Abe had calmed down, looking at us like we were crazy and the sweetest little smile came across his face and he was good and so were we.
We have always joked about having 50 years to go with an option for 50 more. We are at 40 more now, with an option for more. Who knows what God has for us in the next weeks, months, or years. I simply cannot think of doing it with anyone else but Patrick. I had big plans for our tenth anniversary....a trip to some mountain cabin or perhaps a tropical island but instead spent the earlier part of the day with dear friends and then shared a DQ blizzard and watched a dvr'd NCIS LA. It was just as sweet as the days we did this when dating....although we probably are a bit more tired. I figure a nice long trip will come one of these days but for now our family dynamics have us home and we are good. Our partnership was definitely a gift from God. He alone knew that we would work together well and that we could fail often, doubt our abilities daily and still find a way to seek Him and follow Him on this journey...that alone is a triumph ....but you cannot for one second gaze into their rooms where they are sleeping peacefully and doubt that this was what we were meant to do ...together, side by side for as long as God will have us do it. We love watching Him at work, healing, restoring, blossoming these three, each and every day. It is so hard but it is SO amazing and at the end of the day, its what keeps us going. The hope in what God is doing in and thru us keeps us on the path that He has made for us so we walk it, together. We have been greatly blessed in these 10 years and I am so thankful to have the hope of a long life lived with the best husband ever and the funniest cutest trio of miniature people ever!
HAPPY 10th ANNIVERSARY to the best and most wonderful husband this girl could ask for....
Sunday, December 9, 2012
Better catch up before the world ends......
Almost 4 months, I can hardly believe that the littles have been here that long. They are amazing. I think that I have been hesitant to post because words and the lack of really good pictures just doesn't capture their transformation.
Big bro has captured their hearts completely. They light up when he enters. Picking him up at the bus stop is a highlight of the day. The other highlight is when papa comes home from work. Sarah hears the car door and crawls over to the door and waits. Cutest thing ever.
It's interesting to me that the comments that I hear most besides "are they twins" is "wow, they look like they could be yours" (especially Sarah) and "you seem so calm and peaceful". We still are amazed at how well the littles have fit in and given our family a new normal that has brought lots of laughs, giggles and increased volume. We do feel at peace and that is totally a God thing considering babies were NOT on our radar. It all feels right and we find that this is very comforting even in the not knowing.
So where are we 4 months in.....
Sarah - has physical therapy once a week, new orthotics to position her feet, still not walking but getting closer, picks up new words and expressions every day, she is gifted in parroting her big brother....it leaves us in stitches, had a feeding eval done and she does not chew but sucks nearly all her food down....this is a problem....but we are working on it, had an OT eval and she has some sensory deficits but already improving but can explain some of the chewing issues, she has her own dietitian (besides me-ha!) and she is gaining wt....we broke the 20lb mark last month, she loves to sing and we can almost catch a few words now and then, she is starting to get interested in books and likes her papa to read to her, she just might be our athlete as she loves anything resembling a ball and knows what to do with them, and most days, she can be found with a car in her hand or a pencil/crayon and paper. Incredible to read this list when just 4 months ago, she barely uttered a sound, appeared sickly, weak and distant and had poor eye contact. Her eyes sparkle and she has spunk....and well she is a bit stubborn. She appears to be leaning on the diva side of girlhood and oohs and ahhs when new clothes appear or she sees something that catches her eye. She loves her bows and tolerates my love of hair fixin'. She has an evil laugh and a half scream/half squeal that can make your spine curl....these can be even more entertaining considering she does not have her two front teeth. Think cute toddler vampire with piggie tails or moderate bow.....She turned two since I last posted and we celebrated with cake and balloons. She was kind of oblivious to the whole thing but I sure liked her cake!
Abe - has physical therapy also and has made the most strides physically out of the two. He has gone from a cute slugbug that lounged on the floor to an octopus with seemingly 8 arms and legs all trying to move at once to get him where he wants to go. He has gone from occasionally rolling over to sitting up on his own and standing up although he cannot quite hold on by himself or get to standing without help. Army crawling is how he gets around now and he gets extremely frustrated when he wants to be somewhere quickly like his sis and can't do it yet. He is definitely at/or around the 6 mo age developmentally. In the last few weeks, he has made great strides in interacting with us. He responds and reacts to most anything now where before he could seemingly just shut down and you kind of just saw a shadow of a boy. He has the greatest smiles ever and his belly chuckle makes us laugh every time. He eats like a champ and will most likely be my best eater. I can get him to eat any veggie or fruit that I put in front of him. Hallelujah, finally! Nick and Sarah are the eater thorns in my dietitian side. ;) Abe is a monkey of sorts and tries to use his feet to pick up toys, play catch with the ball and mess with his sister. He frustrates the therapist because he prefers to use his feet for things she would prefer him to use his hands. We are wondering if he is a little sensory sensitive in his hands. Teething is his main activity now. Popped 4 in the last month and a few more may be on their way. He and his sissy are starting to play together more and I could just sit and watch them play all day.....but then there is the laundry, the laundry, oh, and more laundry. He turned one this month and we had a cupcake feast which he tentatively started and then whole-heartedly finished. Appropriate mess accomplished. He is a cuddle bug and a delight to be around.....charm is his middle name and his eyes will be his girl-melter feature. He is simply a joy to parent.
Nick continues to make us proud in his big brother roll. He still has his Nick moments or days but for the most part he has embraced the littles and considers them his family. He continues to have dad/son time when they go to BSF on mondays and he really enjoys dad taking him to school everyday. I really enjoy this too. I have had to do drop off duty twice this year and it is hard. I am so thankful for Pat's willingness to adjust his schedule so me and the littles do not have to go out at 715 in the morning. Nick is anxiously awaiting Christmas and a visit to TX. He continues to grow so stinkin tall. It won't be long before he catches me. He laments because he is not the center of attention anymore and that more is made of the littles when we are out and he is just "chopped liver". It's true I guess but he along with millions of other siblings have had to come to their 'its not all about me' moment and they have survived. His creative side is still flourishing. He draws and draws and draws.....he's filled many a spiral this year. He continues with his attachment counselor and Occupational therapist. It has been most special to see his love for and interaction with the littles because that is when we know that all the hard work and rough days have given him the ability to function well in a family and that is worth everything.
We were able to introduce the littles to the fall leaf pile and Sarah in particular loved it. She had a fit when we took her out. She loves the outdoors and apparently loves leaf piles!
I doubt we will do Christmas cards this year, maybe New Years, or better yet Valentine's. So if you don't get one, don't kick us off your list; All good things come to those who wait, and wait, and perhaps wait. We wish everyone a great holiday month and Praise God for our family and most of all the birth of His son so long ago in a manger. Merry Christmas to all.....and say a little prayer for us as we will be travelling with the littles, in the van, for hours and hours, and hours. We were blessed with an excellent traveller in Nick....let's pray for similar blessings in Abe and Sarah. :) love to all.
Big bro has captured their hearts completely. They light up when he enters. Picking him up at the bus stop is a highlight of the day. The other highlight is when papa comes home from work. Sarah hears the car door and crawls over to the door and waits. Cutest thing ever.
It's interesting to me that the comments that I hear most besides "are they twins" is "wow, they look like they could be yours" (especially Sarah) and "you seem so calm and peaceful". We still are amazed at how well the littles have fit in and given our family a new normal that has brought lots of laughs, giggles and increased volume. We do feel at peace and that is totally a God thing considering babies were NOT on our radar. It all feels right and we find that this is very comforting even in the not knowing.
So where are we 4 months in.....
Sarah - has physical therapy once a week, new orthotics to position her feet, still not walking but getting closer, picks up new words and expressions every day, she is gifted in parroting her big brother....it leaves us in stitches, had a feeding eval done and she does not chew but sucks nearly all her food down....this is a problem....but we are working on it, had an OT eval and she has some sensory deficits but already improving but can explain some of the chewing issues, she has her own dietitian (besides me-ha!) and she is gaining wt....we broke the 20lb mark last month, she loves to sing and we can almost catch a few words now and then, she is starting to get interested in books and likes her papa to read to her, she just might be our athlete as she loves anything resembling a ball and knows what to do with them, and most days, she can be found with a car in her hand or a pencil/crayon and paper. Incredible to read this list when just 4 months ago, she barely uttered a sound, appeared sickly, weak and distant and had poor eye contact. Her eyes sparkle and she has spunk....and well she is a bit stubborn. She appears to be leaning on the diva side of girlhood and oohs and ahhs when new clothes appear or she sees something that catches her eye. She loves her bows and tolerates my love of hair fixin'. She has an evil laugh and a half scream/half squeal that can make your spine curl....these can be even more entertaining considering she does not have her two front teeth. Think cute toddler vampire with piggie tails or moderate bow.....She turned two since I last posted and we celebrated with cake and balloons. She was kind of oblivious to the whole thing but I sure liked her cake!
Abe - has physical therapy also and has made the most strides physically out of the two. He has gone from a cute slugbug that lounged on the floor to an octopus with seemingly 8 arms and legs all trying to move at once to get him where he wants to go. He has gone from occasionally rolling over to sitting up on his own and standing up although he cannot quite hold on by himself or get to standing without help. Army crawling is how he gets around now and he gets extremely frustrated when he wants to be somewhere quickly like his sis and can't do it yet. He is definitely at/or around the 6 mo age developmentally. In the last few weeks, he has made great strides in interacting with us. He responds and reacts to most anything now where before he could seemingly just shut down and you kind of just saw a shadow of a boy. He has the greatest smiles ever and his belly chuckle makes us laugh every time. He eats like a champ and will most likely be my best eater. I can get him to eat any veggie or fruit that I put in front of him. Hallelujah, finally! Nick and Sarah are the eater thorns in my dietitian side. ;) Abe is a monkey of sorts and tries to use his feet to pick up toys, play catch with the ball and mess with his sister. He frustrates the therapist because he prefers to use his feet for things she would prefer him to use his hands. We are wondering if he is a little sensory sensitive in his hands. Teething is his main activity now. Popped 4 in the last month and a few more may be on their way. He and his sissy are starting to play together more and I could just sit and watch them play all day.....but then there is the laundry, the laundry, oh, and more laundry. He turned one this month and we had a cupcake feast which he tentatively started and then whole-heartedly finished. Appropriate mess accomplished. He is a cuddle bug and a delight to be around.....charm is his middle name and his eyes will be his girl-melter feature. He is simply a joy to parent.
Nick continues to make us proud in his big brother roll. He still has his Nick moments or days but for the most part he has embraced the littles and considers them his family. He continues to have dad/son time when they go to BSF on mondays and he really enjoys dad taking him to school everyday. I really enjoy this too. I have had to do drop off duty twice this year and it is hard. I am so thankful for Pat's willingness to adjust his schedule so me and the littles do not have to go out at 715 in the morning. Nick is anxiously awaiting Christmas and a visit to TX. He continues to grow so stinkin tall. It won't be long before he catches me. He laments because he is not the center of attention anymore and that more is made of the littles when we are out and he is just "chopped liver". It's true I guess but he along with millions of other siblings have had to come to their 'its not all about me' moment and they have survived. His creative side is still flourishing. He draws and draws and draws.....he's filled many a spiral this year. He continues with his attachment counselor and Occupational therapist. It has been most special to see his love for and interaction with the littles because that is when we know that all the hard work and rough days have given him the ability to function well in a family and that is worth everything.
We were able to introduce the littles to the fall leaf pile and Sarah in particular loved it. She had a fit when we took her out. She loves the outdoors and apparently loves leaf piles!
Happy First Birthday little guy! He was so happy after giving the cupcake a try....chocolate is good!
Nick can usually be found messing with Sarah and here we were trying to get a shot of her first pigtails and he wanted to be in the picture. It actually turned out cute if not a little dark.
I doubt we will do Christmas cards this year, maybe New Years, or better yet Valentine's. So if you don't get one, don't kick us off your list; All good things come to those who wait, and wait, and perhaps wait. We wish everyone a great holiday month and Praise God for our family and most of all the birth of His son so long ago in a manger. Merry Christmas to all.....and say a little prayer for us as we will be travelling with the littles, in the van, for hours and hours, and hours. We were blessed with an excellent traveller in Nick....let's pray for similar blessings in Abe and Sarah. :) love to all.
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