Better catch up before the world ends......

Almost 4 months, I can hardly believe that the littles have been here that long.  They are amazing.  I think that I have been hesitant to post because words and the lack of really good pictures just doesn't capture their transformation. 

Big bro has captured their hearts completely.  They light up when he enters.  Picking him up at the bus stop is a highlight of the day.  The other highlight is when papa comes home from work. Sarah hears the car door and crawls over to the door and waits.  Cutest thing ever.

It's interesting to me that the comments that I hear most besides "are they twins" is "wow, they look like they could be yours" (especially Sarah) and "you seem so calm and peaceful".  We still are amazed at how well the littles have fit in and given our family a new normal that has brought lots of laughs, giggles and increased volume.  We do feel at peace and that is totally a God thing considering babies were NOT on our radar. It all feels right and we find that this is very comforting even in the not knowing.

So where are we 4 months in.....

Sarah - has physical therapy once a week, new orthotics to position her feet, still not walking but getting closer, picks up new words and expressions every day, she is gifted in parroting her big brother....it leaves us in stitches, had a feeding eval done and she does not chew but sucks nearly all her food down....this is a problem....but we are working on it, had an OT eval and she has some sensory deficits but already improving but can explain some of the chewing issues, she has her own dietitian (besides me-ha!) and she is gaining wt....we broke the 20lb mark last month, she loves to sing and we can almost catch a few words now and then, she is starting to get interested in books and likes her papa to read to her, she just might be our athlete as she loves anything resembling a ball and knows what to do with them, and most days, she can be found with a car in her hand or a pencil/crayon and paper.  Incredible to read this list when just 4 months ago, she barely uttered a sound, appeared sickly, weak and distant and had poor eye contact.  Her eyes sparkle and she has spunk....and well she is a bit stubborn.  She appears to be leaning on the diva side of girlhood and oohs and ahhs when new clothes appear or she sees something that catches her eye.  She loves her bows and tolerates my love of hair fixin'.  She has an evil laugh and a half scream/half squeal that can make your spine curl....these can be even more entertaining considering she does not have her two front teeth.  Think cute toddler vampire with piggie tails or moderate bow.....She turned two since I last posted and we celebrated with cake and balloons.  She was kind of oblivious to the whole thing but I sure liked her cake!

Abe - has physical therapy also and has made the most strides physically out of the two.  He has gone from a cute slugbug that lounged on the floor to an octopus with seemingly 8 arms and legs all trying to move at once to get him where he wants to go.  He has gone from occasionally rolling over to sitting up on his own and standing up although he cannot quite hold on by himself or get to standing without help.  Army crawling is how he gets around now and he gets extremely frustrated when he wants to be somewhere quickly like his sis and can't do it yet. He is definitely at/or around the 6 mo age developmentally.  In the last few weeks, he has made great strides in interacting with us.  He responds and reacts to most anything now where before he could seemingly just shut down and you kind of just saw a shadow of a boy.  He has the greatest smiles ever and his belly chuckle makes us laugh every time.  He eats like a champ and will most likely be my best eater.  I can get him to eat any veggie or fruit that I put in front of him.  Hallelujah, finally!  Nick and Sarah are the eater thorns in my dietitian side. ;)  Abe is a monkey of sorts and tries to use his feet to pick up toys, play catch with the ball and mess with his sister.  He frustrates the therapist because he prefers to use his feet for things she would prefer him to use his hands.  We are wondering if he is a little sensory sensitive in his hands.  Teething is his main activity now.  Popped 4 in the last month and a few more may be on their way. He and his sissy are starting to play together more and I could just sit and watch them play all day.....but then there is the laundry, the laundry, oh, and more laundry. He turned one this month and we had a cupcake feast which he tentatively started and then whole-heartedly finished.  Appropriate mess accomplished.  He is a cuddle bug and a delight to be around.....charm is his middle name and his eyes will be his girl-melter feature. He is simply a joy to parent.

Nick continues to make us proud in his big brother roll.  He still has his Nick moments or days but for the most part he has embraced the littles and considers them his family.  He continues to have dad/son time when they go to BSF on mondays and he really enjoys dad taking him to school everyday. I really enjoy this too.  I have had to do drop off duty twice this year and it is hard. I am so thankful for Pat's willingness to adjust his schedule so me and the littles do not have to go out at 715 in the morning. Nick is anxiously awaiting Christmas and a visit to TX. He continues to grow so stinkin tall.  It won't be long before he catches me.  He laments because he is not the center of attention anymore and that more is made of the littles when we are out and he is just "chopped liver".  It's true I guess but he along with millions of other siblings have had to come to their 'its not all about me' moment and they have survived. His creative side is still flourishing.  He draws and draws and draws.....he's filled many a spiral this year. He continues with his attachment counselor and Occupational therapist.  It has been most special to see his love for and interaction with the littles because that is when we know that all the hard work and rough days have given him the ability to function well in a family and that is worth everything.

We were able to introduce the littles to the fall leaf pile and Sarah in particular loved it.  She had a fit when we took her out.  She loves the outdoors and apparently loves leaf piles!

 

Happy First Birthday little guy! He was so happy after giving the cupcake a try....chocolate is good!

 

Nick can usually be found messing with Sarah and here we were trying to get a shot of her first pigtails and he wanted to be in the picture.  It actually turned out cute if not a little dark.

 

 

I doubt we will do Christmas cards this year, maybe New Years, or better yet Valentine's.  So if you don't get one, don't kick us off your list; All good things come to those who wait, and wait, and perhaps wait.  We wish everyone a great holiday month and Praise God for our family and most of all the birth of His son so long ago in a manger.  Merry Christmas to all.....and say a little prayer for us as we will be travelling with the littles, in the van, for hours and hours, and hours.  We were blessed with an excellent traveller in Nick....let's pray for similar blessings in Abe and Sarah. :) love to all.

An outfit finds it owner.......

6 years ago this month, I probably went shopping at Old Navy for an outfit or two for our new "baby".  We had submitted all our paperwork for Kaz and things were moving fast.  A few months later, we would pack up all our baby things and head to the middle of nowhere Kazakhstan to meet our sweet little baby......oh wait, he wasn't a baby, was he? :)  So we gave away most of the baby things to the orphanage but I saved a few things....for the future.  Fast forward a few years, the future seemed to be headed to additional older children , not a baby, and a good Kazmom friend was having a baby, a son, who most likely would (and did) look adorable in the outfit I had been saving.  So I sent it to her with my blessing to enjoy and send a picture......Julie, we need to post the picture, I have no idea where that email went or did you send me a hard copy? :)  So, Josh grew out of it and she sent it back....just in case. I lost track of it and hadn't even remembered it until Julie reminded me when the littles came to live with us. Then, I thought I had donated it until last week when I was looking for some new pajamas I had bought Nick ...........Guess who it fits perfectly.....Abe is rockin the forest animals.  It's just an outfit but it represents so much more to me.  God has a plan, He has always had a plan, He is faithful to complete it. I am so glad I can have faith and trust in a God who cares about the details.... even a little moose and racoon outfit.  AND, you know what else is sooo special about this picture? A certain someone is sitting up without assistance after barely being able to hold his head up for any length of time, I think his smile says it all.  :)

 

 So that "baby" from Kaz is looking way too big these days especially when he wants to wear his tie to church. Stop getting so big.  He still likes to sit in our laps in the rocker and he has to like fold himself up to fit.  Where oh where has my little boy gone......

 

 

 

Duh, Duh, Duuuuuh! It's the Green Arrow......ok, yes, he still has lots of "boy" left in him....especially when it comes to creative play....the boy loves to be in character. 

 

 

A quick update - we have had some sickies in the house.  Everyone is on the mend and we are getting better sleep at night.  The littles are just changing so much everyday.  I have been really busy doing therapy visits, biomom visits and dr. visits. We are going to take Sarah to our private OT even though she is getting some therapy from first steps.  We want a good sensory evaluation so that we will know what else that we can be working on with her. She is our music lover and cannot be contained when hearing any type of music.  Her head starts bobbing and she has her own version of humming and singing. Adorable! Wheels on the Bus is a favorite right now as well as If you're happy and you know it. We have an actor, now a singer, surely, Abe will give us some sport satisfaction. He is built like a linebacker after all.  

 

Sarah gained about one and a half pounds at last check.  We celebrated. This failure to thrive thing is for the birds. She is a tough cookie.  She has regressed some in her chewing.  She prefers pureed and liquid so has just stopped eating any of the stuff she was eating when she first moved in.  Part of me thinks it is a bit of control stuff going on but the OT and Speech therapist are aware that we are having difficulty....any other Speech people have any ideas on how to re-introduce chewing?? She will not chew at all that I can tell.  She bites but then just moves it around and swallows. Other than her eating, she is changing leaps and bounds.  Her communication skills are daily improving.....and she is so expressive now.  She had us all laughing so hard that I was crying because she was doing this evil, maniacal laugh at the table the other night.  I also have her video taped having a terrible two fit.  HILARIOUS.  We could so win on America's funniest videos.....If we get to adopt some day, maybe I'll submit it. :)

 

Abe has the big sitting milestone under his belt now....so, it's on to standing and pushing up on his legs.  He still would rather not. He is teething like crazy and has been a bit fussier than usual but ALWAYS wakes up smiling and charming.  Can't imagine a better way to wake up. 

 

Nick continues to do well with the littles and makes us laugh as well.  He used "bewildered" in a sentence today, wah?  He is really getting used to the babies being here and has not talked about us loving them more very much lately.  I think it is sinking in that we can love them all.  He fights for attention now and then but so does Sarah. She gets so jealous of Abe.  I think for the most part, he is having normal sibling adjustment.  Very thankful!

 

I will leave you with my favorite picture of the week.  Sarah found my small clock that I used for staying on time in my bible study group last year.  I have NO IDEA how she could think this was a smart phone.  She even moved her fingers like she was texting.  It was hilarious.  Gotta watch this girl, she doesn't miss a thing.  I wish I could blame this on papa but he doesn't even use a cell phone except for emergencies....stink! ;)

 



 

One Month as a family of 5

I can't believe tomorrow will be 5 weeks that the littles have been a part of our family.  As when Nick entered our family, we don't have that whole "it feels like they have always been here" feeling.  I really don't get that....but what I do know is boy, have our lives changed and I can honestly say it is so crazy and so fun.

The last two weeks were undoubtedly the craziest of our new life so far.  We had a few standing scheduled things that we "chose" to keep even after the babies came. My parents had offered to come when we needed them the most and wow!, were they ever needed.  Needless to say, there will be very few extra curricular activities planned for a bit as we go forward into October. Seriously, it was painful.  All kids survived thanks to team Kitzman plus Gma and Gpa.

The littles are changing everyday.  Our only regret that life has gotten in the way of good video documentation of all that they have accomplished in such a short time.  I wish everyone could have the experience of watching children blossom from a hard beginning.  It is truly one of the best gifts given to us by God in this process.

Sarah - When she came to us, she basically squealed and had an ambulance-esque type whine.  While cute, I now think the ambulances that pass our neighborhood often could be S and I hear it in my sleep.  One month later, she still has some crazy sounds but I swear she says a new word every few hours.  She is getting her voice and language to boot.  She reminds us so much of Nick when he came home.  Funny, when we say that, Nick just puffs up and is so proud.

She is still not gaining weight.  Very frustrating but I know she is eating and she looks so much better so I think her increase in mobility has used up all the extra calories I have been packing in.  She is so picky and stubborn about eating (Nick clone). She will eat something one day and then spit it out the next.  She definitely has texture and chewing problems that we are trying to work on and she generally likes pureed consistency.  She has learned quickly to sign Eat and More. 

She is motoring around all the furniture and loves to walk with help.  I hope she starts walking soon so she is not so hard on  her scrawny knees and then she can wear more dresses or tights and long shirts.  Regular pants just won't stay up on her yet. 

Abe - He has definitely made the most physical progress and is almost sitting up on his own and finally bearing weight on his legs.  We have this little game where I try to stand him up and then do a scrunched up face and say push it push it like a drill Sergeant and he gets a similar face and actually uses his legs.  Hilarious.  He rolls everywhere and generally frustrated Gma because he wouldn't stay on the nice soft blanket we layed out.  He is feeding himself cheerios now (we call it the ninja reach) and chews and manipulates his food better than S.

He rarely cries and had Gpa Bill as his biggest fan.  They had some mean motor boat raspberries going at anytime during the day.  He even could do it as a duet with dad.  Kind of a dueling raspberry  performance.  Abe can practically charm anyone with his smile.  He had an MRI of his spine since he is barely sitting up and the nurses were fighting over him for a chance to hold him.  He is just so charming......watch out girls of the future!

They both love music now and get so animated when I put the kids music on during the day.  One of the many awesome transformations we have watched is their interaction with each other.  They love to hug each other and give kisses. They had no reaction to each other at first. Now, they babble together much like twins and really have begun to form a sweet little bond.

Nick - He is an amazing big brother.  He loves the littles so much.  He often will just say, I love having them in our family.  I can't tell you what an answer to prayer this is.  We had such huge concerns about how siblings would affect him that we were almost ready to not adopt again.  God continues to amaze us with such a wonderful fit for him.  He did know him best and he did know exactly what Nick needed....why don't we just trust and obey without any doubt of this...not sure.   Of course, he still has some huge moments of drama but he also is distracted often with the kids so he doesnt dwell as long on his "issues".

Funniest Nick-ism of the month....  While  the Gparents were here, we sat in the living room one night and he had been a little grumpy about all the attention the littles get when we go out and then all the support they need at home so he said "mom, I sure miss being the star"  I said, well, there are lots of stars in the sky and they are all great.  He said, "mom not that kind of star, a POP star." imagine with a "duh" voice.  " I miss being the famous one"   and Pat said "more like infamous!" ;)

Papa and MiMi (our names for now)  - we are doing really well.  I think my out of shape self is getting a little more adjusted and not as many sore muscles as when we started.  We are enjoying our new family so much. One of my favorite times is when we all gather on our big king-size bed and hangout.  Nick is able to really feel a part at these times and it just all clicks.  The littles just belly laugh at him all the time and he eats it up.  One night after all had gone to bed, Pat just said, you know as crazy as this all is, I just feel the most at peace than I have felt in a long time.  I would have to agree.  As I told my BSF group today, it is crazy to me that we stepped into the unknown and thus far I really have never felt as held, as at peace, and as joyful as I do right now.  We have laughed so much in the last month.  I go to bed every night completely spent and exhausted and not sure how we are going to get organized and efficient but really it doesn't matter because we are in a great place right now and our priority is just loving them all and making sure that they know how precious and wonderful they are, all three.  We feel very blessed to have this opportunity to parent regardless of the outcome.

We visit biomom every week and again this is a very awkward thing but also a good reminder that they are not ours and the future is in God's hands.  We had friends recently go thru a horrific car accident involving their 18 yr old son.  Praise God he survived and is home and doing rehab but his accident happened pretty much right when we were getting the kids and God again just reminded me thru their journey that not one of us is promised or assured of parenting our children for X amount of time.  We have expectation that they will do XYZ for life and so on and so on.  It could be taken in a moment.  So daily living and relying on God to lead has been my goal to make it thru this time of uncertainty.  I really dont even think about it ....we just live.

My folks left on Sunday so we are back to Team Kitzman and they are missed and somehow the laundry doesn't just show up folded and on our bed.... Stink.   But it is fun when S recognized my dad's voice on the phone.  We really have to get skype on our new computer so we can do better face time chatting especially with all the changes they are making.  Mom and Dad even noticed how much they changed in the two weeks they were here.

I just really wish I could show you before and now pics even in a month.  just amazing! but here are a few to enjoy...


The hair flower of happiness.  Bigger than her head practically but she still rocks it! ;)

 

Who doesn't love sweet baby hands!

Holding Abe and getting some love

Hugging on Sarah....

We have had lots of Dr. visits in this first month but all tests so far have come back normal.  They really just need intervention and intentional grace-filled parenting.  First steps is sending a PT soon and we have seen a speech therapist and dietitian.  I think we have a few more dr visits ahead but otherwise, they are doing great.

Probably going to take a little visit to our OT that Nick has used for Sensory eval... the sooner we start a good sensory diet the better off they will be in the long run.

Well, my eyes are tearing up they are so tired so off I go to bed.  Will try to update as much as possible but feel free to come by and visit....  The Kitzman 5  :)

One week has come and gone....

I can't believe it's been a week.  My aching back can believe it but my mind still hasn't completely wrapped around the fact that we have two littles living with us.  Everyone keeps asking how we are doing.....and really besides the chaotic house, last minute meal planning, and extra laundry, we are good after a week.  The transition has been smooth, the littles are sleeping well after their illnesses, trying new food adventures and really bring alot of smiles and fun to the house.  Nick loves them and tells people about them wherever he goes.  For several nights, he has been thanking God in his prayers for "making our dreams come true".  He continues to be so sweet with them and helps out so much and does it without complaining.  Amazing.  The jealousy seems to have already gotten a little better.  We found his old baby blanket from Kaz and he sleeps with it again and we try to incorporate some of the same things for him as we do for the littles (i.e.  lotion on after bath....side note: he hated this when he was younger....but now he wants it....funny!). 

The dietitian from first steps comes tomorrow.  I'm anxious to discuss their eating challenges and have her refresh my peds nutrition knowledge.  I pulled out some of my old books but can't seem to find the time to look thru them.  ;)  I'll just humble myself and let her tell me. ha! 

We had our first supervised visit with the birthmom (bmom) today.  Overall, it was weird but fine. The caseworker was late so I had to stay with her and the kids.  She was amazed that I had a bow in Sarah's hair....well, of course, we've been practicing all week! Abe is starting to hold himself up a bit finally and she noticed that as well.  Most of the time, we will just drop them off with the Caseworker and bmom so today was a little unusual. 

We have gotten out several times with all of them and they are good car riders so far.  Going to visit some friends this weekend in Lville and retrieve a double stroller generously offered by one of my Kazmoms.  My parents will be arriving in less than 2 weeks.  It will be great to have them here for a little organizational help and of course some mom meals....and perhaps a pizza from St. Louis as they pass thru the area.

Once we have all the therapist visits, I'll try to post a little more about what their delays and therapy looks like.....as far as we can tell, they really just need interaction, challenges, and as Karyn Purvis would say, A voice.  They have definitely found their voices and crack us up "talking" to each other.  Priceless.  Just like Nick who found his voice and NEVER lost it the day after we took him out of the babyhouse, the littles seem to be trying new sounds and even babywords each day.  funtimes!

So, I'll leave you with a few non-identifying pics.....I so wish I could show their photos...they are so stinkin cute. 


And, we have the picture that I imagined in my head....Nick is right, God really did make our dreams come true! :)  now, cue, the collective AWWWWWWW!

Sarah is a girl after my own heart.....look who controls the remote....you go girl!

I'll have to try a hands and fingers shot next.....but that will have to wait another day.  Thanks again for the prayers, well wishes and support.  It means everything to us!

Hold on....it's going to be a bumpy ride!

It's late but I thought I would record a few things from the first days so that the littles and Nick can look back on these notes and see how far they have come AND because we need to keep a lifebook for A and S so might as well record stuff here first.

The meet and greet/Dr's appt/transition of care-- AWKWARD! two pairs of foster parents, birthmom, and caseworker plus the littles. Who does what, Who signs the papers, who holds the baby for shots, who talks to the birthmom, who talks to the caseworker, doctors, nurses....on and on. I swear had I not heard english, I would have felt like we were in Kaz again except for the birthmom being there.  All these people and questions, and procedures, and deer in the headlight looks.....did I mention AWKWARD!  We brought the kids home and the other foster family brought all their stuff over for us.  Clothes, food, belongings from their home, and lots of paperwork to fill in as appropriate over the next however long.  I really liked the previous foster parents.  They were older and just not ready to take on two babies for a longer duration.  They already have a 12 month old that they have had in care since she was born.  A and S seemed to recognize us and didn't seem too distressed to be left in our care.

The littles are relatively easy to care for in the general baby kind of way.  The fevers have been a big challenge all weekend.  A was spiking more yesterday and I ended up calling the nurse hot line because not only were they passing around a viral thing but A had 4 shots and S had one.  Yes, they were just having a really hard day on thurs. I wanted to make sure that I didn't need to report the fevers based on shot side effects vs. viral illness.  They both go to bed so easily.  Nick not so much. ;)

Nick overall has done well.  He wouldn't say it.....he is a bit dramatic about his role in the family right now but he has been good with the babies. Mom and Dad, again, not so much.  If I have heard "you love them more than me" once, I've heard it 10 million times and no, I am not exaggerating. One of his biggest struggles coming into this new change has been self esteem/self worth feelings.  Had I not had many close friends add siblings to their unit in the last few years with much strife and stress and then come to a better place after time, I sure would be stressed.  But, I know this will take time and Xanax perhaps. He is a bit of a drama King and some of his better lines were "I still have needs too you know" or " mom be serious, I'm having a crisis."  Today, he opened up his large play hut and moved all of his stuff from his room (thank you very much ....as if our house wasn't completely chaotic right now) down to the tent because the "kids that are loved live upstairs".  I cannot make these things up, he really is meant to be in the theater.  But, in the midst of it all, I still got his feelings, I knew he was struggling.  We have tried to continue to let him give voice but for Nick giving voice is a second by second thing. He never stops talking.  He knows how to express his feelings, he just doesn't know how to express them in a constructive manner. That is what we will work on at the counselor's office, soon. really soon.

Little S is a perfect study on neglect and it's effect on, well, everything.  She is a frightened little birdie.  I cannot really describe her looks of fear when she wakes up all disconcerted about where she is and the way she won't look me in the eye.  She wants to face out when you hold her. She shrieks when you try to put her in your lap facing your face. Any sudden noises, touches, change in position scare her. And, don't get me started on the eating.  She has so many texture issues, swallowing delays, and a little picky to boot. After 4 days, I can say that we have already seen improvement in all these areas.  She is getting better each day with my Karyn Purvis " let me see those beautiful eyes"  talk and she will face me now for a few minutes of patty cake or itsy bitsy spider.  My favorite thing to see is her jabbering.  She didn't utter a sound at first but tonight she was cracking herself up in bed.  I could hear her in Nick's bedroom while he was yelling at me so she was laughing pretty loudly. She can parrot a few words that resemble something you can understand.  I am like freaky dietitian chemist in the kitchen. I keep making all these crazy recipes up for her meals that will give her ultimate calories and protein without tons of sugar.  She prefers things blended although she ate a few bites of pizza tonight.  Her breakfast is malt-o-meal/powdered non-fat milk for protein and whole milk for calories all blended together and a tad of honey. Lunch was roasted chicken, cous-cous, and whole milk blended.  She totally eats it.  She does not have front teeth... pulled due to decay ..so I have no problem mixing up her table foods with pureed foods. It looks gross but whatever it takes to get food in her.  And, I feed her for good eye contact. I especially notice her trying to not look at me during this time.  I am teaching her sign language for more and she more or less has it down already.  I cannot wait to get her weighed in a few months at her 2 year old check up.

A loves his bottle but with his illness has had a bit of a decreased appetite.  He eats mostly early baby foods and although we were told he ate alot, he does not for us.  He holds his mouth shut.....while smiling.  So stinkin cute. Today, we tried some toddler puffs and he actually did very well with them although he nearly choked on a piece of baked potato...go figure.  I need to consult my speech therapy friends on this one.  I remember certain foods do better for certain swallow problems.  I think they both were just on liquids only so they just have delayed swallow strength. yes, that is my own diagnosis. probably not even legit but we will keep trying different textures out....trying not to get him all choked up. ha!  He really is the most pleasant baby.  He cries out in the night which of course causes us to have a heart attack but we are getting used to it and know that he will settle right back down without really any intervention necessary except for my heart to return to normal beats! oy!

Their mobility is so delayed.  A cannot sit up on his own-very low tone- and S was barely crawling.  We have seen improvement in both already.  They just need lots of encouragement and I'm a bit of a drill sergeant too. :)   If I didn't know they were from here, I would swear they had been in an orphanage. So many of the same delays as I have seen with our friends who brought home infants/toddlers of similar ages. But, just the same as the institutionalized kids, we are seeing them advance rapidly with just constant attention and intervention.....and then there is that whole showering them with love thing. :)

How are WE doing? I think we got the team thing worked out.  I have the best mate in the world. He lets me boss him about the baby world as long as I say please and we just work well together.  I enjoy the babies I have to say.  Just like watching each progression with Nick, it is a gift to watch it with them. It's only been 4 days but when you've gone thru it before, you notice more things and then you notice more progress.  I nannied twins.  I did the night shift for several months and two babies at once doesn't really throw me for a loop.  Balancing two babies and a dramatic 8 year old, a little more difficult.  Everything and I do mean everything we do for the babies gets assessed and compared to what we do for the 8 year old.  Not a bit of rational thought is involved.  It gets really old really fast. I would say THAT has been the biggest challenge of the 4 days, that, and the fevers and not knowing how the babies react to illness, teething, pain, etc.  We don't know their cries, their comfort measures, etc.  I can do babies but this whole balancing act is hard.  We expected it but it doesn't make it any less exhausting to go thru at the time. The aged body is adjusting too slow. my knees hurt, my baby carrying muscles hurt, my back hurts. Nothing a little advil can't help along til some conditioning sets in.  It takes longer in  your mid 40's apparently. That said, I think we are doing pretty well considering I cannot stand the chaos that has hit my house.  We were preparing for a consignment sale when this all hit so there was those clothes in progress for sale, not to mention that the contents (aka known as storage room/guest room for 15 years) of the room the babies are in had to be moved downstairs, the downstairs room stuff moved in the garage and all the baby items/clothes that came with the littles in the hall or in their half prepared room.  I just want to sit and go thru everything, organize, place in an efficient place.. but not sure when that is going to happen.  I'm not a hilary housekeeper anyway so this is putting me over the edge for even my very high tolerance of clutter chaos.  Fortunately, in my quest to live daily with the Lord, the fact that I have no idea where our mail (bills) is on the counter, I have no idea how I am going to help Nick with homework in his state of mind, I have no idea how I am going to go thru all the RFP's we are getting for Kazapalooza and put them in an excel spreadsheet and I have no idea when there might be time for exercise, eating and/or sleeping but I can worry about those things tomorrow because TODAY or rather tonight I have a slightly distressed 9 month old sleeping in the pac-n-play next to me while I sit on the couch because he for some reason keeps waking up every single time I lay him in his actual bed.....his new bed...which probably feels different, smells different, sounds different.....do all pac n plays smell the same....who knows.  bless his sweet little snoring heart. Part of me wants to try and take him up there one.more.time or I can just sit here and blog and surf the net.  hmmmmm.  

Thanks so much for all the prayers, support and encouragement.  It is quite the journey but God is doing it with us. While long stretches of time in the word are at a minimum right this minute, I do daily call out to him, play some worship music, and dwell on his goodness.  He is sustaining and restorative in his care for me.

Twas the night before forever?

I remember laying awake in our upscale (well, Zhekazgan swank) hotel room that we rented the night before we got custody of Nick.  We wanted a good night's rest (very smart of us) before we entered the great unknown of parenthood so we rented a room at the best hotel and slept very well in a king size bed for the night.....our only good night's rest the whole 10 weeks....except for the nerves it was perfect sleep.....and then the last 5 years happened. Had we known what was ahead, we probably would not have slept so well.  God is good that way.

Now, we stand at the starting line of another forever, but it might not be forever, it might just be for now.  The not knowing about "forever" has been on my mind alot this week.  Our weekend overnight visit with the littles went really well.  They are easy.  They sleep well, they eat what you feed them, and at least for now, they are really easily entertained.  Nick LOVED them.  He was so excited that he actually was the one we kept having to calm down, quiet down, and make eat.  He read to them, played with them, sang with them, and made them laugh.  It was a sight to see.

Pat was the ultimate team player.  Seriously, all women should be jealous.  We would make these big messes with toys, food, whatever and I would go change a diaper, come back, and everything would be picked up, washed, etc.  It was awesome.  I really would not even be considering this without such a great partner. 

I really enjoyed having them in the house.  It did my heart good to see Nick with them....He could make Abe belly laugh for minutes at a time.   I have no doubts that he will have his moments of usual sibling stuff but he just beamed with their attention and smiles back to him. My favorite part was bedtime.  I love kids in pajamas.  We read books and said prayers and put them all in their beds.  Even with a little fussing (mostly Nick - ha!), everyone was in bed and asleep by 9.  All in all a very successful sleepover.  There will certainly be challenges.  Their nutritional deficiencies are huge.  Swallowing and tolerance of advanced textures were delayed and muscle control of arms, legs, and torso will need some work but we are excited to see how fast they improve in the next few months.

As I try to embrace my deep desire to live daily with the Lord, I have been surprisingly stress-free.  They are babies, they are easy.  well, at least compared to a certain other newly home crazed boy from afar.  My contemplations seem to be swirling in this foster vs. adoption arena.  I have been so overwhelmed with every one's sincere delight and excitement for us.  There is a part of me that keeps wanting to remind everyone that we are fostering for now....a part of me wants to hold back the celebration.  Of course, we hope to adopt but we may not know anything permanent for a year or so.  They could return home in a month, 6 month or the day before we celebrate a year.  It just is not known if this is "forever". 

Nick has taken quite a grown-up attitude and tells everyone that they will be in our family but only God knows if they will be our "forever" family.  I'm not sure he really gets it, especially after they could potentially be with us for quite a while and still return home.....But, he is all in. He is "the Big Brother".   Yes, we are a foster home for now.....but really we are just a home with lots of love to give away....Daily...  THIS is where my heart has been all week.  Seeking God's assurance that he really is going to take care of our hearts and sustain us daily.   He has loved us well thru this process.  His fingerprints are all over this journey right now. Our friends and family have loved us well also.  So, I'm going to let go and celebrate the fact that lots of people are going to love these two precious ones by acting crazy over them and us.  Everyone deserves to be celebrated.  I'm going to enjoy the ooohs and the aaaaws because we are celebrating Abe and Sarah. They are His created ones....fearfully and wonderfully made for a purpose and made to be loved.  My prayer is that the littles will be loved well because we too are being loved well.  I can rest in that tonight.  My brain may not shut off for a while yet but it will still rest in His love and purpose for me, for my family and for our new littles.  And, the next adventure begins.....

Our first visit!

Today Abe and Sarah came to play.  Their current foster family had doctor's appt so we got to babysit! To say everything was surreal is an understatement.  It very much felt like Kazakhstan.  One minute you are hanging out, the next, you have two little people looking at you like ....who in the world are you and why are those other people leaving me here?

It's kind of like a first date...very awkward. Even writing about it is awkward because you can't really describe the feeling to those who haven't experienced it first hand.  As we sat in the floor and just looked at them and played with them, your heart just breaks.  Sarah is skinny, really skinny and only crawling at almost 19 months.   There are obvious signs of neglect.  Abe at 9 months has no muscle control ....think 3 months or less physically.  They both have the visual signs of laying lots of hours on their backs.  Sarah, at first, did not utter a sound, just big tears would develop in her eyes and it was as if she was crying without sound. Reminded me of Nick.  But, boy, were they precious. Both with stunning blue eyes that connected with you when they knew you were paying attention to them, really seeing them.  I could feel it.  The connection. Although, attachment has been a journey with Nick, I remember feeling this connection with him.  It's not like love at first site, or oh, we are meant to be.  It's just like, we are going to journey together you and I, so let's go.

I got a little teary thinking about how hard it would be to carry babies around all day even with the ergo.  It scares me.  My back doesn't like me to carry lots of weight and well, I need to lose some weight of my own.  I'm sure there will be an adjustment stage as my body regulates to the new norm but I couldn't help get excited to think about our day to day activities to attach, bond and catch up developmentally.  When I nannied, I pretty much got to play all day and interact with the kids and fortunately, we have slowed our life down enough that I will get lots of playtime with the Littles too. I love to think about creating positive neuropathways that Nick didn't get his first 3 years and trying to give them some of the sensory gifts that I couldn't give Nick.  It all feels so right.  I mean, you can't tell me God hasn't picked just the right family to nurture them right now. They just called in First steps so that they will have therapists and nutrition intervention quickly thru the state......and then there would be Pat and the rehab science departments at our fingertips and  well there is that whole dietitian degree that I have. ;)  I cannot wait to tell Abe and Sarah how much God loves them...... so much that He uniquely equipped this home just for them.

We are going to try and see them again this weekend so Nick can meet them.  Our plan is to still transition them next Thursday into our home.  I cannot even begin to tell you how God has provided every big ticket item that we needed for this placement.  Cribs, mattresses, car seats, high chairs, and on and on.  We have been "showered" without even having a shower which you don't usually get to do in a foster situation.  We did take a babies R us run last night because I wanted an Ergo, some Car seat protectors, and a monitor.  We hope to wait until the consignment sale next month and after we have the kids for a few weeks to see what else we might need.  I think all the basics are covered at this point.  God is so good to provide.  We have such an incredible support system here and abroad. Now, we just need to find some good babysitters, anyone, anyone? 

I'll post a cheat picture so you can at least see their sweet noses and mouths.  And Pat and Abe already almost had a full on nap time in "the chair" already.  I think "someone" will appreciate the chance to rock the baby to sleep so he can catch a few zzzz's as well. :)  Love it.